It’s Got to be a Scam
For months, my friend and I signed up to go speed dating. And for months, we would get all ready and then get an email on the day of saying, “the event had to be canceled due to many last-minute participant cancelations and requests to reschedule”. After receiving that same email for months, I thought this MUST be a scam. When attempting to get my money back, I was told there was magically an open event that seemed to be getting interest from enough participants.
Could it be true?!
The day came, and of course I was running late. We got to the bar where the event was being held, and I immediately flagged down the server. I needed a glass of wine if I was going to kill these nerves. Ya know, priorities. A little liquid courage never hurt, right?
My friend an I took our seats next to each other, as the women got to remain stationary while the men rotated (as it should be 😉). Turns out, there were only 6 men at this event. So not much to choose from here. Each man had 5 minutes with each woman participant. As the event began, my nerves were quickly squashed. It was actually pretty fun!
As each man approached, it felt almost as if I was auditioning or interviewing for something. Ya’ll know how much I love an audition! The short amount of time provided basically allowed for each person to quickly introduce themselves, maybe mention their job, joke about they too thought the whole thing initially was a scam, and then the bell would ring indicating the date was over.
Although I didn’t find Mr.Right, I did surprisingly meet some cool men with various careers, and even a few who have been to Delaware and could bond over how much they miss Grotto’s and Wawa like I do. So, that was fun.
Some of the conversations were definitely a little awkward (as rapid small talk is not for everyone). But overall, I really enjoyed the experience and would definitely do it again (maybe with a larger pool of participants). It was definitely something I’m glad I tried, and I am glad I went into the experience with a very open mind. If I’ve learned anything over my past few years of dating, it’s that looks aren’t everything. The physical appearance may initially draw me in, but the intellectual connection is what makes me stay. In this case, I allowed myself to be fully present in the conversation with each man.
Jesse and the Jeep (because I’m enjoying aliteration at the moment)
Alright, getting back in the game. Time to talk about Jesse. Jesse was one of the most handsome men ever; I kind of got some John Legend vibes. He had one of the those smiles that you could tell came straight from his soul. The kind of smile that was so big, his eyes had no choice but to smile too. He was all-around adorable.
He and I spent a few months hanging out, going on dates, and chatting. Our conversations were left mostly on the surface; until one night. We had come back to my place for a night cap, and he finally opened up. He had told me things that about his past that he had never told anyone before. I felt like we were finally developing a deeper connection. Maybe it was the liquid courage.
As much as I wanted to feel that kind of connection all the time, it definitely wasn’t like that. I felt like I was always initiating and making concrete plans (a common theme in most of my relationships apparently). Then one day, I forced the ball into his court, and he made a plan. He picked a restaurant, and actually made a reservation!! GASP. It’s funny how something so simple means so much to me. He even asked if it was okay if he took the top off of the jeep because he didn’t want to mess up my hair! How stinkin’ thoughtful. Cause ya’ll know taming my mane takes time. After our dinner, we went to a comedy show, and it was so much fun! I hadn’t laughed that much in a long time. Jesse was heavy on the PDA, and I actually didn’t mind it. I mean, who wouldn’t want an adorable John Legend Lookalike to hold their hand all night? No one, that’s the answer. So of course, I enjoyed it.
However, soon the John Legend buzz started wearing off and his actions started painting him in my head as someone who may have some maturing to do.
I understand that everyone has various circumstances in life that may temporarily derail your life path. Sometimes you have to move back in with your parents, and that’s okay! But, when you finally get a new apartment and you decide to continue to stay at your mom’s house because she has a TV, that presents a bit of a red flag for me. Or, when you lose your wallet and it turns out to be in the back pocket of your jeans you wore a week ago..
I admit, maybe I was being a bit unfair. I honestly think I just became hyper aware of all the little things. I don’t necessarily think he was immature. I think for a 26-year-old, he was exactly where he should’ve been. I just happen to be an old soul, so I was physically a 30-year-old woman, but mentally a 75 -year-old grandma (lol). I needed someone to meet me halfway.
This is in no way meant to bash this guy. He was really a great guy. I just felt like the age-gap came to be a little too apparent for me. I knew that he would make someone very happy one day. I just knew that he wasn’t the right person for me at that time. I needed a little more stability than he could provide. So, slowly, our communication began to fizzle out. There was no grand exit, just maybe more of an Irish goodbye.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Friendly
- Amazing smile
- Successful career
- Not afraid to make it known we were together
RED FLAGS:
- Never making plans
- A level of immaturity (age-gap debacle)
- Surface level connection
Swipe Right.
Are we all secretly masochistic?
I know that’s a weird question to ask. But think about it. We all torture ourselves in one way or another. So, here’s a little exercise for ya.
-Raise your hand if you’ve ever stared at your phone, or jumped every time it buzzed, hoping it was your crush?
-Raise your hand if you’ve ever read through old text message threads 100x to figure out where it all went wrong, or how they could’ve been so sweet then and so non-existent now?
-Raise your hand if you’ve ever checked on social media to see if they’ve been active while not responding to your texts?
-Raise your hand if you’ve ever looked back at their dating profile to see if they’ve changed any information, meaning they’ve been active on it since they’ve met you?
-Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to decipher whether that girl in their photo is a relative or a new relationship?
If your arm is about to fall off because of the length of time you’ve been holding it up, I’m right there with ya sis. We all do this. We all torture ourselves. But, why do we do it? Does it make us feel better in any way? No. Honestly, it usually just sends me into some weird, self-pity spiral that takes days to get out of. Maybe we do these things in the hopes of a positive result that can give us a brief sense of relief. If that girl in the picture is his cousin, we can exhale again.
What we need to ask ourselves is, is that brief moment of relief worth the overwhelming suspense and anxiety leading up to it? My answer is a hard no. Trust me, I am guilty of all of this. As I write this, I am hoping I can convince myself to stop participating in this self-destructive behavior myself. So, what can we do to avoid this behavior?
-Step one: PUT YOUR PHONE ON SILENT. (If you’re waiting and waiting for a text, just turn your phone on silent or turn it all the way off)
-Step two: DELETE THE TEXT THREAD. There is literally no point in trying to read between the lines and understand the point in which that guy became a cold-hearted asshole. Sometimes there is no answer. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t tell a bad joke that scared him off. You cannot control the fact that they are a jerk. There is no point in reliving the past, and it will just confuse you more than you already are.
-Step three: GET OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. If that’s too tough, then delete their message thread so that you can’t see when they are active. You can also “mute” them from your thread so you can’t unexpectedly see that they’ve posted something new.
-Step four: UNMATCH THEM. Unmatch with them on your dating app so that you don’t have access to check up on their profile constantly.
-Step five: TRY NOT TO BE A DETECTIVE. This one is a going to be rough. But try, try, try not to figure out who the girl is in their photo, unless you are 100% ready to find out they’re dating someone new. If you’re strong enough to know, then more power to you. If not, close your eyes and pretend you didn’t see it.
-Step six: DELETE THEIR NUMBER. If you’re anything like me, you may have a drink or two and convince yourself it’s okay to send them a text even though they have left you on read for months. DON’T DO IT. Honestly, I don’t trust myself. For me, it’s best to delete the number and get rid of any temptation. If that is too big of a step for you, screenshot their contact and send it to your best friend for safe-keeping. Just imagine their surprise when they text you and you’ll have to genuinely ask them “who’s this?”. The little blow to their ego will be totally worth it.
Finally, and most importantly..
-Step seven: TEXT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. Have them remind you that you’re more beautiful than cinderella, you smell like pine needles, and your face is like sunshine (if you don’t understand that reference, I recommend you immediately watch Bridesmaids). But seriously, let them remind you that he is a jerk, you are so much better than him, and you deserve the world.
I’M BACK
Hi everyone! I’m sure you’ve all been anxiously waiting and wondering where I’ve been. ;)
Anyway, as you know, life can get BUSY. Trying to maintain a balance of work/life/family/friends while the world is falling apart around you, is a hard task. I have been trying so hard to make sure I make time for life, fun and friends. I have been wanting to make sure I do what makes me happy. In doing so, I have been staying VERY busy.
But, since writing makes me happy too, I want to start sharing more with you all. As you know, my blog is all about dating and life experiences. In order to have stories to share, I need to get out there and live life. In order to have dating content, your girl needs to get out there and date!
So, here we go again.
YOUR GIRL IS BACK <3
Quality Vs Quantity
I guess this title is a bit ironic as this entire blog revolves around the many men I date. However, through dating these men, I’ve realized something very important.
How many of you have experienced the embarrassment that follows a breakup pending the amount of time you “dated” the person? Do you ever find yourself feeling like you need to make the relationship sound longer-lived in order to justify why you’re upset? You catch yourself saying; “We dated for a few months, but we talked every day”. There is always a “but” thrown in because you feel like you have to defend the relationship. Sometimes you will meet people who have been with their partner for 10 years, and anything less seems less worthy of significance.
What I have found is, you could have a better connection with a man you’ve known for 5 minutes, than with the man you have known for 5 years. The length of the relationship does not matter. It’s the undeniable, unique, and electrifying connection that does. No shame in that. Let’s get rid of the stigma that says, the longer the relationship the more value it holds.
Your relationships are uniquely yours. You get to define their significance in your own life. If you want to cry over the Starbucks barista that spelled your name wrong on your cup after you’ve been going to him every Sunday morning for your coffee, go ahead. If you want to drink a bottle of wine to get over the guitar-playing guy that you went out with once and spent days dreaming of singing together at dive bars around the city, go ahead. If you want to break off your engagement with the man you’ve been dating for three years because something doesn’t feel quite right, go ahead.
My point it, this is your life. Do not let other people dictate your happiness. In the end, it’s your life to live. You want to be able to get to the end of your life and feel like you lived it to the best of your ability with no regrets. The moment you let go of the judgements and expectations of others, you will begin to truly live, and you’ll feel a heck of a lot lighter doing it.
Julio…and the Long Distance
Funny story about this one. When this guy found out about my blog, he requested to be named, “Julio” if he ever made the cut. I jokingly told him if he didn’t f*** it up, he wouldn’t be in it. He asked what would happen to my blog once I found the right person, and I told him I would write about lessons I was learning in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, this is not that. Brace yourself Julio, this one’s for you.
Julio and I actually started this relationship in a long-distance manner. We matched on Hinge while he was in my city, scoping out the area for his upcoming move. He had gotten a job in my city, however, was living in Nashville for another month prior to moving. I must say, what really sold me on his profile was a video of him singing along to a Disney song. I don’t know why, but I found that really endearing. Plus, I love Disney, so there’s that. Anyway, due to the fact that he didn’t currently live in my town, I was hesitant to start any kind of relationship. However, this felt so natural. We were forced to build an emotional connection before anything else. We talked on the phone for hours, and caught up with each other every day. We talked about childhood traumas, favorite shows, future goals, future kids’ names, you name it. We even talked about what day to day life could look like. We talked about ways we would make the boring chores not-so-boring. I found it easy to picture the simplest of things with him. It felt easy, but also weird, since we hadn’t actually met yet.
When it finally came time to meet in person, I was excited but also very nervous. I am the type of person that likes to meet someone right away and see if there is that connection in person before talking forever. I feel like the anticipation and build up can be disappointing if the in-person connection isn’t there. I personally, would rather just find out sooner versus later and not waste anyone’s time. So, although Julio and I had talked for a while, there was so much build up and pressure to make sure the connection was there when we were face to face.
To my surprise (and relief), I felt like the connection we had on the phone, was still there in person. Of course, there were first-date jitters, but I still had a good feeling about it. After that date, we had discussed a second. Things felt pretty good at this point. But, like most relationships I’ve felt good about, things slowly took a turn. As he became more distant, I became more confused. Could this really be happening, again? (I’m not 100% convinced that I don’t have someone posing as me going around town and destroying my relationships behind my back lol)
Eventually he explained to me that he had a family emergency and would have to return home for a while to help out. Now, the sceptic in me wanted to call bullshit. But anyone who would lie about what he told me he and his family was going through, would end up having a visit from karma anyway and there was no need for me to provoke it. So, I chose to believe him. He told me that due to his situation, he was going to focus on his family and reach out when he got back to Charlotte. Honestly, if I was in the situation he was in, dating would be so far from my radar too, so I couldn’t fault him for that.
Over the next month or so, I reached out once to check in and received little to no response. I wasn’t attempting to maintain any type of romantic relationship at this point, and was truly just making sure he was doing okay solely as human and friend-figure to him. This is something I would do with anyone, and I wasn’t going to limit myself from being a good human being just because someone didn’t want to date me. It was super important that I stayed true to myself, regardless of his feelings towards me.
At this point, it has been many many months since he left. I’m not even sure when he returned. He never reached out, and has since also blocked me from his Instagram. Not really sure the purpose of that? But oh well. I really thought he would be the type to communicate his feelings and be transparent. I’m truly surprised that things turned the way they did. Maybe I trusted him too much or gave him too much credit. It was a shame to me, because this guy was so different than the usual guy I went for. I was dating outside of my box, and yet the outcome remained the same. Why, you ask? Well, if I knew, I wouldn’t be on this merry-go-round. And, I would like to get the heck off pretty soon.
Regardless, I sincerely hope his family is doing okay, because at the end of the day, that’s the most important thing.
GREEN FLAGS:
- He shared a love for Disney
- Down-to-earth, easy to talk to
- I could picture what life would be like with him
- He seemed to make even the simplest of things fun and exciting
- Wanted a family and had strong family values
RED FLAGS:
- Slow fizzle in communication
- Poor choice in future kids names (lol not really a red flag, but a personal preference)
- Lack transparency at end of relationship
- Ghosting (come on now. This is so unnecessary)
Welp, on to the next. Goodbye, Julio.
Swipe right.
How to over-analyze a text message 101
Let’s start with a few common phrases.
Okay; used to express assent, agreement, or acceptance
- “Okay!”: He is super excited about whatever he just agreed to.
- “Okay”: No punctuation, indicating he is neutral. He is too cool to show emotions and doesn’t want to appear too eager.
- “Okay.”: He is not enthusiastic about whatever he agreed to.
- “Ok.”: He is not paying attention to the conversation and doesn’t have time to spell the whole word.
- “kay”: I don’t know if people really write like this, but they shouldn’t.
- “K.”: give up now. He hates you.
It’s fine; used to express one's agreement with or acquiescence to something (similar definition as seen above, and yet oh so different
- “It’s fine!”: It truly is totally fine!
- “It’s fine”: No punctuation. Neutral attitude.
- “It’s fine.”: It is absolutely anything but fine.
Ben…and The Bachelor
Alright, I’m not going to lie to you. I have been dreading writing about this one. I have been procrastinating in every which way so that I did not have to relive this relationship. Unfortunately, the toughest relationships are usually the ones you learn from most, and I promised to be open and vulnerable with you all, so here we go. Fair warning, this relationship is complex and doesn’t necessarily flow with the timeline completely, but you’ll understand why soon enough. Hope you have your wine poured, because this one is long and confusing even to me, and I lived it!
The occurrence of Ben and I meeting is truly one of my favorite stories to tell. We actually have The Bachelor franchise to thank for this one (shout out to Chris Harrison if you’re reading…which surely you’re not). Anyway, let me get back on track.
Back in June of 2017, I was a single gal living in Charleston. As you may or may not know about me, I love to audition for anything and everything. I love the thrill of putting myself out there in the hopes of some kind of recognition or reward. Regardless of whether I have talent or even truly think I’ll make the cut, auditions are a thrill. What you also may or may not know about me, is I LOVE love. I love the excitement of finding the “one”, even if that’s means finding love on a reality TV show where your boyfriend is knowingly cheating on you with 25 other women and gives you a rose to validate your feelings. Love is love, ya’ll. Anywho, in June of 2017, I had looked into auditioning for The Bachelor. An open casting call was posted for a Thursday in Charlotte, NC. At that time, Charlotte was only a few hours from me, so I figured that would be the most doable option if I wanted to audition that season.
I took the day off work, planned my outfit, styled my hair, and headed out begin my 3.5 hour drive to my casting call. I had planned to arrive early, because I wanted to give myself time to figure out parking, get some lunch, and also have a drink to calm the nerves. So, once I parked, I made my way to a bar near the audition site. I grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered my vodka soda. Whew, feeling better already! As a little time passed, two women ended up sitting at the bar next to me (let’s call them, Maddie and Sophia, because I can’t remember their real names and I like those ones). We quickly discovered that all three of us were here to audition, and we became fast friends. Come on, you know how girls are at the bar?! Next thing you know, we were learning about childhood traumas, styling each other’s hair, and inviting each other to brunch. Honestly, I was enjoying myself so much, I almost forgot what I was there for.
When we realized our audition time was quickly approaching, we made our way to the audition site. One by one, we took our turns answering questions, taking headshots, and hoping to make good impressions. When our auditions were finished, the staff provided us each with a free drink ticket to use at the bar across the street. Knowing I had planned to drive home in a few hours, I planned to go over to chat with the girls, but only drink water. Safety first.
Sophia had planned to meet up with some friends, so it was just Maddie and I. While at the bar, I drank water and chatted with Maddie. I spotted this very handsome guy across the bar, and mistakenly mentioned it to the her. Next thing I know, Maddie was across the bar whispering to him and motioning for me to join them. I was mortified, but had literally nowhere to hide. I made my way across the bar and introduced myself to the handsome guy and his friend. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the handsome guy was Ben.
Before long, I was enjoying a conversation and a drink with Ben and his friend. I’m still not really sure at what point Maddie left the picture, but I obviously didn’t care. I was having too much fun to notice. Talking to Ben and his friend, was like talking to guys I had known forever. There was no fear, no apprehension, no concern for my safety. They reminded me of the guys I grew up with, and I felt a sense of comfort in that.
I ended up bar hopping a bit with the guys. We talked, we drank, we danced, we realized it was Thursday and we still had work in the morning. Just kidding. Earlier in the night, the guys had convinced me to call out of work and enjoy the evening (sorry boss, I was yolo-ing.). We had so much fun that night. Well, I guess I can’t speak for them, so I will say, I had so much fun that night. At one point in the night, the guys even invited me to come on their Bro Weekend (aka a college reunion) at the beach in Savannah in a few months. My title had gone from “potential bachelorette” to “bro” real quick.
Anyway, after we left the bars, I ended up staying at Ben’s apartment. We slept in separate spaces and he was 100% respectful. The next morning, he woke up early for a flight and told me to lock the door when I left.
Hold up. This guy doesn’t even know me from Adam and he’s leaving me unattended in his apartment?! If I was a terrible person, I could’ve robbed him blind! I didn’t, of course. I didn’t even snoop, I promise. But if this tells you anything, it should tell you that the same level of comfort and safety I felt with him, he must’ve felt with me.
***Ps. if anyone is concerned about my job, I do not work there anymore.
***pps. The Bachelor producers never called me back.
How many more “p’s” are you supposed to write? People probably aren’t supposed to have this many afterthoughts…
***Ppps. in hindsight, I realize I was drinking with a couple of men who were complete strangers, followed them around town, and slept at their apartment which is totally unsafe, and I don’t recommend anyone do this. Why do you think the phrase; “do as I say, and not as I do” was invented anyway?
I assumed Ben was just a fragment of my imagination that I concocted in this crazy beautiful story depicting my time in the Queen City. Someone who I would think about every once in a while, but never actually speak too again.
Ding. (That’s my text alert in case you couldn’t hear it)
A few weeks after my whirlwind adventure, Ben reached out. Ben was contacting me to find out if I was “still in” for the Bro Weekend beach trip. I couldn’t believe he had been serious! I thought for sure that was a drunken invite. Any sane person would say, no thank you. But you should know by now that I am not. So of course, I said “yep, still in”. I found out after the fact, that Ben was just as surprised that I said yes, as I was that he asked.
A few weeks later, the beach trip rolled around. This time, I was a little bit smarter and I invited a girlfriend to come with me. I knew we were heading into a house full of men, and I figured a female reinforcement was necessary.
The trip was honestly the greatest trip ever. I had more fun than I could have imagined. Although I never got a callback to be on The Bachelor, I sure felt like I was The Bachelorette. These men were a ball of energy. It was as if they had never seen a woman before. They were so intrigued by my friend and I. They spent the entire weekend trying to win us over. But, to their dismay, I did not feed in to any of them. To my dismay, Ben didn’t even try.
After that weekend, I figured Ben was uninterested and completely friend-zoned me. We continued to talk frequently, but eventually we had the conversation in which Ben explained that he didn’t want any type of long-distance relationship. At that point, my walls went up and Ben was placed in the box in my brain titled; “Friends Only- Don’t You Dare Even Think About Bringing Them Out of This Box. They Don’t Like You Like That. Don’t You Do It. Seriously, Stop.”. Are you surprised my brain boxes are labelled with such lengthy titles? Yeah, me either.
Weirdly enough, when Ben explained he didn’t want any type of romantic relationship with me, I wasn’t heartbroken. Something deep down inside of me was telling me this wasn’t the end for us. I remember looking in the mirror and literally telling myself that we would probably end up being that pair in a romantic comedy that would be best friends, share our relationship dramas, and then one day realize we were meant-to-be all along.
Ben and I texted, talked on the phone, and communicated constantly. We talked as friends for about a year before anything flirty even transpired. As time went on, our conversations got a little more romantic and a little less friendly. Around this same time, I had decided I needed a change in my life, and considered moving to Charlotte. I scheduled a bunch of appointments to tour various apartments around the city. While in town, I made sure to see Ben.
That night, a line between friends became quite blurry. But as I said earlier, Ben was placed in that box in my mind, the name in which I shall not repeat, and he was not coming out. That box was padlocked. When we went our separate ways, I was of course excited about what happened, but I didn’t think too much about it because I knew where he stood.
Fast Forward.
I ended up moving to Charlotte in early 2019. So, over the course of 2-2.5 years, Ben and I were what I would consider best friends. We went about our lives, dating other people, telling each other about it, and giving each other advice. Ben always had the best advice. He always knew exactly what to say to get me out of my own way and see things a little more clearly. He was my go-to person for deciphering punctuations in my current fling’s messages, because ya’ll know that period means something.
Over the years that we knew each other, we travelled through this strange and confusing cycle of being friends, friends-with-benefits, more than friends maybe, no definitely just friends, maybe. Follow? Trust me, I couldn’t either.
It wasn’t until early 2020 (pre-covid), that Ben decided he wanted to make things official and really try our hand in dating for real. I’m not going to lie to you, this quick change of pace was hard for me to wrap my head around. Although for Ben, this was something he had been considering for a while, to me it was totally out of left field. It took me some time to adjust to the idea. After all, I also had to find the key to that darn box.
To solidify our relationship, and take things to the next level, Ben booked us a trip to New Orleans. Ben was quite standoffish on this trip. He didn’t stand near me at the airport and then hardly spoke to me while we were there. To say I was confused, would be an understatement. Here I was trying to let my guard down and see if this could work, and here he was giving me the cold shoulder for no reason.
When we got back from the trip, Ben explained that he changed his mind and did not want to explore this any further.
I’m sorry, what? How could you so quickly go from being all-in to all-out in one minute? Someone forgot to tell me we were doing the Hokey Pokey. I could not wrap my head around any of this. I spent all this time adjusting to this new idea of “us”, only to be blindsided by the person wanted there to be an “us” in the first place. I felt so vulnerable and exposed at this point. So, back in the box he went.
Months went by. Slowly but surely his messages became more “friendly” and he wanted to try again. I knew at this point, it was going to be hard for him to gain the trust back, but I was willing to let him try. Mind you, this was not a quick transition. I did not engage with his romantic messages for a long while before I let him back in. Give me some credit here.
After a while, we decided to do this thing for real this time. We both discussed how we didn’t have any desire to see other people. We were going to be serious this time. We were going to finally be on the same page.
Soon after this seeming mutual epiphany, we flew to Indiana with the plan to spend time with each other, and then separate to spend time with our families. This trip was amazing. Everything felt natural. Everything felt right. We bar hopped, danced, ate. I even convinced him to sneak into the pool after hours for a late-night swim. I never realized how much of a rule follower he was until that point. The pool was cold anyway, so we didn’t stay long. But still, a fun story to tell. We talked about a future. We talked about things we wanted to experience together.
The next morning, we went our separate ways. I could tell he was getting distant, but I also wasn’t paying it too much mind because at that point, I was with my family, and I was enjoying their company so much. It was not until I arrived back in Charlotte that he told me the news.
He had accepted a job position in Arizona.
My stomach dropped, and my heart made its way to my throat.
Obviously, it had to be over between us, right? We went back and forth between how we could make it work, but also how it could be too challenging. I was ready to accept the challenge, and he just couldn’t figure out what he wanted. For days and days we went back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth again. I was emotionally drained. As much as I didn’t want to leave him, I had to leave town to visit my family for a previously planned trip. The night before the trip, Ben came over to say goodbye as this would be the last time we would see each other before his move. At this point, I had no emotions left. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I didn’t know what I was holding on to either. I could tell I was being quiet that night. But a part of me was trying so hard just to soak in every detail of him, every feeling, every minute we had left. When he left that night, I felt terrible. But I knew, there was nothing left for me to do. This was his decision to make, and he made it.
Later that night, Ben messaged me to tell me he needed see me in the morning. He came over at 5am to visit with me while I packed for my trip. While over, he gave me a letter. I was too emotional at the time to read it, so I saved it until after he left.
In the letter, Ben explained how he’s felt about me since the day we met. How he always managed to get in his own way, and how he was falling in love with me.
I was shocked.
I didn’t know how to process what I read. At the same time, it had a way of validating my feelings for him. I always knew I loved him, I just never felt secure enough to say it.
Ben ended up staying one extra day so that he could see me when I got back from my trip. We said our goodbyes for the third time. I’m not kidding you when I say I was emotionally drained. I didn’t know which way was up at this point. I realized if I wanted to explain every aspect of how I felt, I was going to have to do what I do best, and write. I knew it would be easier to explain my feelings in a letter than it would be with my spoken words. So, I got out my stationary and wrote my heart out. I explained everything. I told him how I felt like my heart was ripped out when he told me he was moving, how I had never felt this way about anyone, and how I loved him. I warned him that I was in my feelings when I wrote the letter so that he wouldn’t be too caught off guard. I knew whichever way he took the letter, it had to be done. Writing the letter was my form of therapy.
Ben drug his feet when it came to sending me his address. I was at a point where I was about to burn the letter and move on. When he finally told me his address, I sealed the letter and sent it on its way. Soon after, following a quick google search, I realized the address he provided was his work address. When questioned, he explained he was living in a temporary place and didn’t have a “real” address to provide. If you’re thinking he’s hiding me from someone or something, I felt the same way. He assured me he was not married…as most married people having affairs would do. LOL jk. Who am I to say? Maybe he was telling the truth.
A week later, I reached out to see if he had received the letter.
No response.
To this day, I have never gotten a response.
I do not know how he felt about the letter. I do not know if he even received the letter. I do not know if he is happy. I do not know if he’s dating someone else. I do not know if he has a new family in the works. I do not know if he’s even alive.
After over three years of friendship, this is how it ends?
I am angry. I am hurt. I am in disbelief. I feel used. I feel embarrassed. I feel like an idiot.
I feel like I have no closure.
A part of me hopes he’s totally miserable. Then I feel badly for thinking that. So maybe I just hope I’m happier than him. Also, maybe I need therapy.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Serendipity. I LOVED the serendipity and the fated-ness of this relationship so much. I probably held onto that a little harder than I should have.
- Handsome (obviously he stuck out across the bar)
- Best friends. I loved that we started as friends first. We build a solid foundation
- Honest & transparent
- Let me be weird and love my reality tv shows
RED FLAGS:
- Indecisive AF
- Quick to judge and change his mind
- Made me feel insecure
- Obviously, he dropped a major feelings bomb and then ghosted after I shared mine, so he is extremely selfish and disrespectful.
They say, sometimes you’re lucky enough to get the type of closure you need. Sometimes you’re forced to create your own. Sometimes, you need to take the silence as your answer. Even though your mind may be spinning in a thousand different directions as to why he’s acting as if you don’t exist, he’s the only one that has that answer.
Learn to find peace in the silence.
Swipe Right.
Jeremy…and the perfect timing.
Next up, Jeremy.
This guy was a diamond in the rough. Something I didn’t even realize I was looking for. He was tall, dark, and handsome (per usual 😉). He had a good job, a solid group of friends, and owned his own home (which I admire).
For our first date, we went to eclectic farm-to-table restaurant in a nearby neighborhood. (funny side story; I took an uber because I never like to drink and drive; plus I hate to worry about parking. My uber driver stopped his car down the road and told me I was at my destination. I was not. So I ended up having to walk down the street looking for what I thought was the right place. But don’t worry, I made it eventually.) I don’t want to divulge too many details, but this place was so fricken good. Everything felt so healthy and fresh, and made you feel like you were saving the planet somehow. Okay, okay it was called Zeppelins. Please go if you ever get the chance.
Jeremy and I had great conversation. We ate, laughed, drank, and had a great time. One thing that stood out so much to me was that we could have a truly complex and intellectual conversation. Neither one of us had to dull down the conversation for the other. After meeting him, I realized this was a different type of connection than I had ever had with someone before. Yes, there was physical attraction. However, I felt like the intellectual connection was so much stronger and honestly more important.
I feel like my past relationships started with that spark; a physical attraction, playful banter, sarcasm, leading to getting to know each other. But this relationship with Jeremy felt different to me. It was a connection deeper than that.
At the end of the date, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. In hindsight, I should’ve realized that we didn’t kiss, and maybe he was friendzoning me from the start. But I was too excited to have found someone who was genuinely kind, liked to have fun and also liked to read books enough to have actual favorites (WOAH this was unheard of in my dating pool). He was the kind of person I wanted to have in my life; in whatever way that may have been.
Over the next few weeks, we talked often and discussed ideas for date number two (romantic dinner, wine tasting, etc). Even though he talked the talk, Jeremy drug his feet when it came to actually bringing it into fruition and setting up a second date. I could feel the disconnect growing between us, but tried to ignore it because, as you may have figured out by now, I tend to get in my head and overthink a little (okay, a lot). Long story short, he ended up telling me that a best friend of his had suddenly become a romantic interest that he wanted to pursue.
HERE WE GO…AGAIN.
I wish I was making this up, people! Once again, I have managed to receive the runner-up award. The, “you’re so great, but…” medal. The “participation” trophy, if you will.
…..
It was around this time that another curve ball was thrown. My dog, Sullivan, had been developing a strange lump on the top of his head. After weeks of tests, biopsies and scans, he had been diagnosed with a malignant bone cancer known as multilobular osteosarcoma. I was heartbroken, terrified, and had to make some really serious and crucial decisions and had zero clue where to begin. Do I let nature take its course? Do I put him through an invasive brain surgery? He was only 3 years old at the time, which made my decision even tougher.
…..
I had mentioned my struggle with Jeremy (as we were still communicating as friends at this time), and he invited me out to trivia with his friends to help take my mind off of things. As it turns out, I ended up in the BEST possible company. By pure circumstance, Jeremy’s best friends all happened to be veterinarians. I kid you not.
I explained to them my situation; the diagnosis, the options, the surgeons and specialists involved. They were able to talk it out with me and provide me the confidence I needed to make my decision. They had nothing but rave reviews and confidence in my surgical team. Yes, this night out was meant to take my mind off of things, but as it turns out, talking about it out loud with the right company, was just what I needed.
Jeremy and I saw each other once more (in the company of his friends). Soon after, his new love interest moved in and quarantined with him (gotta love the coronavirus). So, that was the end of that.
Green Flags:
- Intellectual connection
- Smart, funny handsome
- Honest, and not trying to play games or lead me on (too much)
- GREAT FRIENDS (which he honestly didn’t have to invite me to meet, so that was kind of him. Or he was just confused and figuring his shit out..)
Red Flags:
- Led me on a little (but not as long as most, so I will take that as a win. I’ve got to take what I can get, you know?)
- Confused as to what exactly he wanted
As I liked to do when all of my relationships came to an end, I had to find the reason why the person was brought into my life in the first place. I’d like to believe that Jeremy was brought into my life to show me that a real intellectual connection can exist. Maybe he was meant to show me that you can have a physical attraction and spark, but that the deeper connection couldn’t be measured by appearance. Before him, I never really knew I could find both in the same person. Maybe I met him not to know him at all, but instead to be led to his friends who would ultimately help me in my most desperate of times. For that, I am so thankful. If Jeremy or his friends ever read this, I want to say thank you so much for providing me the peace that I needed in my weakest moment. I will be forever grateful.
It’s that time again…
Swipe Right.
Mark…and the fire hazard
Oh Mark. He’s definitely a guy to remember. I feel like in life, we have these relationships in which we’re connected to the other person in various ways. You may have an emotional connection, a spiritual connection, an intellectual connection, or a physical connection. Mark was definitely the physical connection for me.
He was the type of guy that commanded attention when he walked into a room whether he knew it or not (but he definitely knew it). He was a successful business man and restaurant owner, who dressed to the nines, and smelled like a hug. (Side note; I don’t know if it’s just me, but do you ever smell certain colognes and they just remind you of a hug? Okay, just me? Alright then. Moving on.)
This guy, unlike most guys in my dating pool, actually enjoyed talking on the phone. He would call me just to check in or “just to hear my voice”. Swoon. This guy was good. He knew exactly what he was doing. But hey, it worked. So honestly, who could blame him? Why fix what isn’t broken.
Mark was the type of guy that wanted people to know we were together when we were out. Coming from my past relationships where I never felt good enough, this was a nice change. He was the type that always had to have his hand on my thigh when we sat at the bar, and would kiss me before he left the table to go to the bathroom. He was passionate, and funny, and was definitely not lacking in the romance department.
He always had this thing around his finger. Oh, I’m sorry, that was just me. I was WRAPPED.
Mark and I hung out for a few months. A part of me had a feeling it wasn’t going to be anything too serious, because as much as I liked him, we just lived very different lifestyles. I used to have to tell him to blow out his candles before we left his apartment, because he didn’t see the problem. My anxiety was not okay with that. Case and point, he threw caution to the wind. In all seriousness, and in a more practical sense, he started his work day in the evening and ended in the early AM hours, and I was the exact opposite. We saw each other few and far between, but when we saw each other, it was magical. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that that wasn’t enough. Never the less, we continued talking for a little while.
When my parents came to visit a few months in, we ended up at a wine bar right next to his apartment. I let him know we were there, and let him decide whether or not to join us. Next thing I know, Mark was strolling in. Looker dapper as always (side bar: in my head when I was typing this I actually said, “looking fine as hell” with a finger snap). Of course, he charmed the socks off my parents. Charm is what he was good at. He drank with my mom and shared a cigar with my dad.
He and I continued to talk after that weekend. But slowly I became a little less forgiving with his lack of communication and effort. I would get a lot of the messages like “hey, I wanna see you” or “I miss you” with zero follow through or attempt to make plans. If you really missed me, wouldn’t you make a plan to see me?
Then came the final straw.
Mark had offered to make me dinner (hollaaaa) which is truly the way to my heart. A man who knows his way around the kitchen is so attractive so me. I literally don’t even own a spatula. Anyway, I got off work, went home, and started getting ready. Five o’clock rolled around and I hadn’t heard from him. Around seven o’clock he texted me (after I had texted him to see what was going on) saying he “got caught up at the gym”. Now I am not a gym-goer by any stretch of the imagination, but how does one get “caught up” at the gym? You lift too many heavy weights and forget how to tell time? At this point I’m hungry, and I know that if he is just now leaving the gym, then we will not be having dinner together. Finally, at nine o’clock, he texts me to tell me he is on his way over. Shortly after that, I get a phone call where he tells me he was putting on his shoes, but he got a leg cramp and couldn’t move.
I hope you are laughing in disbelief right now. But I kid you not.
I told him to eat a banana. Unfortunately, he did not appreciate my lack of sympathy in response to his cramp situation (resulting in him blowing me off, mind you). Following my “lack of pity”, he told me he thought we should “just be friends” because he couldn’t give me “the time or attention I needed”. Wait a minute, who’s the one who needs the attention here?
This is not to say I was not at fault here. Maybe I could’ve been a little more understanding. I think if this would’ve been the first event in which I felt like my time was being disrespected, I truly think I would’ve been more forgiving, and maybe a little more sympathetic. But the feeling of not being prioritized time and time again just got the better of me. I was looking for a F&%$ to give, and just couldn’t find one. Whoops.
After that, we kept our distance. Every now and again, he will reach back out to check in and catch up. A part of me wonders if that passion would still be there now, or if it was only temporary.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Handsome
- Passionate
- Successful
- Got along with my parents (but then again, I don’t think there is a person on this planet that they wouldn’t get along with)
- PHONE CALLS (give me all the heart eyes)
RED FLAGS:
- Never making concrete plans; poor follow through
- Different lifestyles (not always considerate of my time or my schedule)
- The leg cramp that ended it all (must not have been a very strong foundation for a relationship if a leg cramp was enough to throw in the towel, eh?)
I’d like to believe that every relationship I have holds a purpose. Maybe the purpose of this relationship was to show me that such a strong passionate connection could actually exist in real life and not just in Taylor Swift songs. Maybe it was to show me that I really don’t hate PDA if it’s with someone I have feelings for. Or maybe the purpose of this relationship was for me to prevent Mark from accidentally lighting his apartment complex on fire. If so, you’re welcome.
Swipe Right.
Andrew…and the accidental luau.
Okay, if I’m being frank, I honestly can not remember the name of this guy. I even scrolled through my contacts to jog my memory, and came up with nothing. I know I know, I am a terrible human being. But truthfully, it’s irrelevant in this story. The Who in the story is not nearly as importance as the What, When, Where, and Why. Allow me to elaborate.
One night, after having a long week at work, I decided to take myself out for a drink. This is not uncommon for me. I love to get myself dolled up, stroll around town soaking in the fresh air, while on my way to sit alone on a barstool at a fairly empty bar, chatting with the bartender, and pretending to watch whatever athletic event is airing on the television (so I can look occupied and a little less awkward).
When I was looking for a night like this, I had a go-to bar right in my neighborhood (I say “had” because this bar has since closed and I’m still super sad about it). Anyway, I showed up to my local spot expecting the usually empty bar stools with maybe four or five scattered patrons at the bar top or in the cozy booths. The reality was much different than expected.
I pulled open the door (after accidentally pushing it like an idiot, per usual), and was overwhelmed with chatter, loud slurred speech, and a sea of Hawaiian shirts.
“What on earth..” I thought to myself (and possibly said out loud, because no one would’ve heard me anyway)
I bobbed and weaved my way through the Hawaiian-clad crowd to find a single seat at the bar wedged between two groups of intoxicated humans. I quickly flagged down the bartender to order my vodka soda (splash of cran), realizing this night was going to be a lot less chill than planned. I casually sipped my drink, trying to understand how in the world I ended up at a Hawaiian luau. The guy next to me decided to mention how he was in an arranged marriage and is open to the possibility of more than one wife. That’s nice sir, check please!
The polygamist made his exit, and before I could get my bill, a nice young man sat down in his place. Having not been donning a Hawaiian shirt or lei like the rest of the crowd, this young man (we will call him Andrew) knew I did not belong, or at least didn’t intend, on attending this soiree.
We started chatting about who knows what. He explained to me that this was a MeetUp event for some local group, and this was the final stop of a bar crawl. So, that explains the level of intoxication in the room. Andrew and I continued to have drinks and converse about this that and the other. After a while, we had decided we were hungry. Unfortunately, we decided this after kitchens were closed in all the open bars. Ugh, my timing is always the worst.
Then, I had this brilliant idea to go to my favorite late-night spot. Good old Mickey D’s. I knew there was one nearby, so my cheap-self thought it would be a good idea to walk instead of calling an uber. I placed an online pickup order, and we started on our trek.
Turns out, the Mcdonald’s was a mile away. It took us about 25 minutes to walk there. When I went to open the door to the restaurant, it was locked. EXCUSE ME!? A sign on the door explained that indoor dining was closed, and encouraged drive-thru orders. Well, this put us in a bit of predicament as we did not have a car. So, we did what any sane people would do, and we decided to walk through the drive thru. What we did not know, is no one would acknowledge us without the weight of the car to trip the sensors (trust me we tried running, jumping, dancing..nothing. Although, I’m sure they got a nice laugh while watching the cameras), and no one would serve us through the window.
So here we sat. Hungry, and also angry (so I guess that makes us Hangry) that I had a bacon mcdouble and buffalo nuggs being held hostage inside. Then I lightbulb went on, and we decided to call an uber to come pick us up, that could also maybe be willing to swing through the drive thru for us (fingers crossed). We waited for the uber for about 20 minutes before it cancelled. NO!
Okay, now we were reaching the point of desperation. We went to every person going through the drive thru the appropriate way, and asked if they would be so gracious as to pick up my already-paid-for order. Eventually, we got a bite! Halle-fricken-lujah. After finally getting our food, cold but totally worth it, we headed home. We said our goodbyes, and I went to my apt.
I went inside, inhaled what was left of my food, and went to bed.
Even though I had intended on having a relaxing, solo-night, at my favorite bar, that night turned into something I couldn’t have dreamed up. I had so much unexpected and spontaneous fun. Being spontaneous is something that is pretty hard for me, because I love to plan. I love to have an idea of what might happen, or what might be around the corner. But this night was different. I couldn’t have planned for any of the twists and turns that night, and guess what? Everything turned out just fine. Better than fine actually. I think the night was almost made even better by the fact that I couldn’t have planned it even if I wanted to.
I woke up that next day with a full stomach, and a great story to tell. This night wasn’t meant to be the night I fell in love with the guy at the bar. This night was meant to be the night I let go a little, and realized that the world wouldn’t fall apart around me. This night was the meant to be the night I threw away my planner (figuratively, not literally. I could NEVER), and just soaked in life a little bit deeper. I will forever be grateful to the man who approached me at the bar and spent his evening talking to me about everything, anything, and nothing at all. The man who wasn’t afraid to look like an idiot while trying to will ourselves to be as heavy as a car. The man who didn’t give up hope, and continued to humor me as I approached every stranger in a vehicle to pick up my order. The man who walked way too far to get a $1 burger.
To this man, whoever you may be, I thank you. I appreciate you more than you know.
Swipe Right.
James…and the serenade
Here we go again. After Ashton, I felt like I needed a little break from the dating scene. I wanted to stop worrying about other people, and focus on myself. No strings, no staring at my phone hoping that someone would text me back, no checking social media to see who was active. I just wanted to turn off the noise and focus on myself. Every once and a while, I find it so refreshing to just take the pressure off of myself to find a partner, and just enjoy the moments in the present.
Ashton had made me feel so hurt, confused, and broken. I couldn’t understand how I was so hurt, and yet he could so easily move on. I was mentally still holding on, and the reality was, he was so far gone. At that point I found myself mentally “stuck”. It’s times like that where I have to find a way to pull myself out.
It may sound cheesy, but it is SO incredibly important to focus on what you do have versus what you don’t. What I mean by that is this; instead of driving yourself crazy thinking about the one guy that doesn’t give a shit about you, focus on all the people that do. Your family, your friends, your co-workers, your dog, whoever! All of these beings love you, care about you, and would do anything for you. These are the people who appreciate you. These are the people that deserve occupancy in your heart and mind. The asshole who broke your heart, can go occupy someone else’s thoughts. Boy, bye.
Anyway, let’s get back on track. When I was finally in the mindset to focus on the present, my friend invited me to a karaoke night. What kind of friend would I be to say no?! So off to karaoke we went. I felt so carefree. I hadn’t felt so happy in so long. Ashton had made me doubt myself so much, that I forgot what it felt like to just be confident and happy all by myself.
And then, I heard it. The voice of an angel. Okay, okay, I exaggerate a little. But in the midst of Sweet Caroline and the Spice Girls, he was a real talent. I looked towards the stage and found a rugged country boy with a backwards baseball hat, denim jacket, and beautiful blue eyes. It was one of those moments like when you were at a concert as a teen and you would bet your life that Jesse McCartney was singing directly to you. We will call this guy, James. I swear, he was singing to me. James was so handsome, and the sweet southern voice just added so many points to his rating scale. For some reason, I just knew I needed to meet him.
Later in the evening, following a bathroom break (because, vodka sodas will do that to ya), I spotted him in the crowd. Those that know me, know that I am not bold when it comes to the guy department. I will not typically make the first move in that sense. But, for whatever reason (probably the vodka sodas..), I had a wave of confidence come over me. As I made my way back to my friends, I made sure my path casually crossed his. Honestly, I can’t even remember what I said to him. I’m sure I complimented his performance or something. Next thing I know, he’s following me towards my friends. Wait, what?! Am I really getting to chat with the hot country singer?!
We spent the entire night talking and dancing. It was so nice to not have any pressure to be anything we weren’t. We didn’t have to do anything but have fun and enjoy each other’s company, and that’s exactly what we did. We literally danced until the bar closed. I let him drive me home, and we shared a goodnight kiss. I honestly didn’t think I’d hear from him after that night, but I was okay with whatever happened. I hadn’t had that much fun in so long, and he was exactly what I needed at the time. He reminded me that I am still fun and desirable, even if I don’s always feel like it. It was the perfect night.
To my surprise, I did hear from him again. This time, he asked me out to dinner. We went to a local restaurant after work. I must say, I almost didn’t recognize him in business attire. He was still handsome, of course, but definitely not the rugged country boy anymore. We enjoyed a good meal and some conversation. Pretty soon, it was time to call it a night.
He drove me back to my apartment, and as I was about to get out of the car, his nervousness grew. He told me there was something he had to tell me, and he wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. Instantly I panicked. I had no idea what he was about to say, but his nerves were contagious. SPIT IT OUT!
He then went on to tell me that he was recently divorced and had primary custody of his one-year-old son. Well that sure was a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Did it bother me? No. Like I may have mentioned earlier, I’ve noticed that dating at my age usually means I’m going to run into the divorcees and the father-figures, and I’m okay with that.
We ended up hanging out a few more times. I did enjoy the time we spent together, but a part of me always felt like something was missing. I feel like I loved the idea of him, a little more than the reality. I loved the timing of it all, I loved the way we met, I loved that he was so different than anyone I had dated before, I loved the unplanned and unexpected nature of it all. But something was missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
We spent a little more time together, and then eventually, things just kind of fizzled. There wasn’t a grand event that made either one of us despise the other. There wasn’t a moment where we realized we weren’t right for each other. It was just kind of a gradual mutual distancing. The good thing about that, was there was no bad blood. I feel like we have the type of friendly relationship that would allow for us to run into each other someday and not have any bad feelings. We could casually say hello and catch up, and go on with our lives.
I really do hope to see him sing again one day. If he becomes a famous singer in Nashville, I may reveal his identity 😉 Or I’ll just keep it forever as my secret. Who knows. We will cross that bridge once quarantine is over and people can actually sing in public gatherings again. One can dream.
Swipe Right.
Ashton…and the ghost
Oh, this one has some poetic timing. Just in time for Halloween.
Let’s talk about Ashton.
Now I’ve mentioned previously that this blog is not meant to bash anyone or speak negatively of anyone. This is meant to share my experiences and learn some things about myself along the way.
However, this one will read a little differently. Because if it acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck... There is no sugar coating this one. Sorry, Ashton. (I don’t know why I’m apologizing, because he won’t read this anyway).
Okay here goes nothing.
Ashton was adorable. Previously married, with a daughter. He was tall, handsome, and covered in tattoos. Although you’d never know it, because he dressed in jeans and sweaters that made him look very clean-cut. I kind of liked that though. First of all, I liked that he was very well-dressed. But, I also liked that he had some edge and some mystery to him. He was right up my alley (Jesus Danielle, when are you going to learn that you need to go up a different alley?!).
We shared some common interests, and had great communication. We could honestly talk and laugh for hours. I liked that he was easy-going and things seemed to flow nicely with not much effort. He made dinner for me, we went to the movies, we hung out in his neighborhood, he showed me the part of his neighborhood he enjoyed, and I showed him mine. Things were seemingly headed in a good direction.
So, when my mom and sister were coming to town, I mentioned it to him. He had planned on being out with friends that night, so we decided if we happened to be in the same place at the same time, we could have a drink together. This relationship was way too new to have a “meet the family” moment, so I wanted it to be super casual if it was going to happen. A little later that evening, he asked where we were, and showed up to the dinner (pre-drinks segment of the evening)…alone. Welp, this is going to be awkward (I thought lol)
The evening actually turned out so great. He had dinner with my family, and then went with us to a wine bar afterwards because he was enjoying his time and wanted to keep visiting. I was pretty smitten at this point. Also, had never really met a guy so eager to meet the family. Here I was trying to keep things casual, and he was all for the formality.
After that night, we hung out a few more times. Things were still feeling promising. My family, of course, loved him and would check in to see how he was doing. Then Halloween rolled around. I knew he had his daughter that weekend, so he had made plans to see me the following week. I thought nothing of it, and let him enjoy his weekend with his family.
When the following week came and went with no word from him, I felt like I knew what was happening. The dreaded ghosting. Although it really made no sense. There had been no signs pointing in that direction, at all. I was more confused than anything honestly. Plus, I was hurt because I had started to really like this guy, and now my family did too. So at that point, as much as I hate to admit it, the embarrassment rolls in. Not that my family gives two craps about whether I am dating someone or not, but I still hate to tell them that that guy they liked is a total douche and I didn’t see it.
Then, it happens. The ghost re-emerges from the depths of wherever the heck he was, doing whatever the heck he was doing. He texted me to say that his car broke down and he was stressed about his finances. He told me he didn’t think he could provide what I needed a relationship. I explained to him, that I don’t care about his finances, I would’ve just really appreciated some communication. If the person I’m with is struggling with something regardless of what it is, and their coping mechanism is ignoring and shutting out their partner, then they aren’t the partner for me. Your partner should be the first person you go to when you’re struggling with anything, in my opinion.
Anyway, I accepted his apology and moved forward with him, cautiously. I went on a girls weekend with my best friends and disconnected for a bit. It was the best cure I could’ve imagined.
When I returned home feeling refreshed, Ashton reached back out. He had told me he wanted to see me. He picked a place (my apt), a day, and a time (3:00pm). Everything was confirmed, and no part of the plan was made by me. I agreed to it, of course, but I wanted to make sure the effort was coming from his end after what had happened in the weeks prior.
The day of, he reached out to say good morning, and re-confirm the plans made. Now, all I had to do was wait…and get my nails done.
………
3:00pm- No word
4:00pm- No word
5:00pm- No word
6:00pm- No word.
Now at this point I start to get a little worried. Because that’s just what I do. I worry.
-is he okay?
-maybe his phone died?
-maybe he fell asleep?
7:00pm- I text, with no response (4 hours late, mind you)
8:00pm- I call; goes straight to voicemail
At this point, I think surely he’s not standing me up because HE MADE AND CONFIRMED THE PLANS. So he or his phone MUST have died. Right? (oh, trust me, I checked the obituaries. If you haven’t realized, us girls are crazy and would rather believe anything other than the fact that the guy we cared about is truly just an a**hole)
Then, it’s silence. Over the next few days there are no texts, no calls. Nothing. When looking back at my text thread trying to decode everything and figure out what I misread, I noticed my last text never read as “delivered”. Hold up… did he BLOCK me?!
Here’s where the sneaky girl gang comes in handy. I probably shouldn’t be divulging this top secret information, but if you want to get to the bottom of something, there is no need for a private investigator, because your girls can figure it out in 30 seconds flat. and it’s free.
So, I had my friend from work send a text to his number. DELIVERED. Then, she called. HE ANSWERED.
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*&%. You make plans, confirm said plans, then stand me up, and block me?! (I am literally yelling this in my head right now)
It was at this point that I swore off all men, and decided to become a lesbian. Just kidding, but it didn’t seem like a very bad idea at the time.
To this day (a year later), I’ve never heard a word from him. Radio silence. I have no idea what I did, or what he did, or what the heck happened. I deleted his number so I couldn’t text him out of frustration, desire for some closure, or out of cabernet motivation. And considering I’m blocked on all platforms, and his social media was deleted, I guess will never know the truth. For now, I can just go ahead and assume he was still married, living a double life, got into some trouble, and had to join the witness protection program. That’s plausible, right?
Honestly, reminiscing about this guy has brought back too many negative feelings to even come up with any green flags right now.
Let’s just go ahead and swipe right.
Stephen…and the anaphylactic shock
Okay okay so I was being a tad dramatic with the title of this one, but now that I have your attention…
In the midst of the chaos, there was someone that deserves a little airtime.
Let’s start with Stephen.
Stephen was super cute. Totally nerdy, but I liked it. He was very different from other guys I had dated, and that was a huge attraction to me. Obviously, what I had been doing was not working, so I was excited to date someone different. He was intellectual, and loved documentaries like I do. We talked for so long on the first date. I was intrigued by him and wanted to dive deeper. Which leads me to date number two.
Now, anyone who knows me, knows that food is the way to my heart. If a man can cook me a meal, I will be in love. 9 times out of 10, I will like them even more once they feed me. However, if they cook for me, and I still have no desire to makeout with them, then I know they are just not the one for me. Not very scientific, but it never fails.
So, for date number two, I invited Stephen over and he offered to cook (SCORE!). We had an amazing time and I loved his company. But it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. A little ways into the date, Stephen revealed he was allergic to dogs. Keep in mind, I had a large Great Dane- Lab mix that loved nothing more than to jump, drool, and shed. Do you remember the scene from the movie Hitch where Will Smith’s character had the allergic reaction to the seafood they ate? This was kind of like that (okay so, maybe not exactly that dramatic..but that’s how I visualize it now). Stephen was literally puffy, and sneezy, and snotty, and Snow White’s other dwarves too. I scrambled through my medicine cabinet and found some old generic Benadryl (not 100% sure it was not expired. Whoops. Who keeps up with that stuff anyway?) and some nasal spray. In hind sight, I guess it was a little odd that I let him borrow my nasal spray.. but oh well, the boy had to breathe!
……….
A little side story here..
So that same night, Stephen and I had somehow brought up the topic of health insurance (don’t ask me why, because I really have no idea). When he mentioned he paid an amount astronomically different than what I paid, I was taken aback. He casually stated that he was paying for his and his son’s healthcare. Mind you, I am 100% onboard with men having children and bringing them into a new relationship. Everyone deserves love. And being that I’m basically in my 30’s now, it’s often more common than not, that the men I date have had previous children and/or marriages. That’s totally cool. However, I feel like that may be something to mention on date number 1? Or maybe make it an official conversation versus throwing casually into a conversation about insurance of all things? I mean, I don’t know. I am okay with it, but it doesn’t mean everyone you date will be.
Is there a right or a wrong way to tell your partner that kind of information? Asking for a friend..
……….
Besides the near-death allergic reaction (don’t worry, I exaggerate), date number three was a go. He and I went to a nice dinner, and then came back to my apartment to chat on my balcony. Side note; I was on an antibiotic at the time and was unable to consume alcohol without becoming violently ill, so I was 100% sober for this date. Something felt off. It could have been my lack of alcohol intake, or just lack of connection. I’m honestly not sure. But after that, Stephen slowly but surely became “too busy” and “too broke” to hang out. Of course, I suggested cheap/free ways we could still hang out, but he didn’t take the bait. So, I took that to mean he wasn’t really interested, and moved on. There was never a conversation. Just kind of a slow drift. Sometimes that’s just the way it goes.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Intelligent; in a nerdy and endearing way
- Motivated and passionate about his career
- Similar interests- documentaries, museums, learning things
- Willing to go into anaphylactic shock for a date (haha just kidding.. but he did put up with allergies and my dog so he got some points for that for sure)
- Enjoys cooking
RED FLAGS:
- Allergic to dogs (this isn’t necessarily a red flag, because it’s obviously not something he could control, but just something to consider because I am never getting rid of my dog. So I guess we could call this a “yellow flag” due to the fact that it would be an added challenge in the relationship)
- Possible lack of connection (initial spark kind of fizzled)
- “Too busy” to make time for me (I personally feel like no matter how busy you are, you can always make a little bit of time for the person you’re with if you really wanted to. Even if its just a simple text message checking in. Effort is effort).
Being that where I live is a small town disguised as a city, I still run into him from time to time. He seems to be doing well. And for those of you wondering, I just checked, and he’s still busy.
Swipe Right.
Bring on the Chaos
Here’s where things get a little chaotic..
After the Chris situation, I went a little crazy trying to fill the void he left. There is no right or wrong way to get over someone. Unfortunately, there is no manual that says how to move on.. but if there was, I strongly believe it would say something like:
Step One: Eat 1 pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream.
Step Two: Drink 1 (or 3, pending tolerance) of your favorite bottle(s) of Rose.
Step Three: Re-open the dating apps you’ve been avoiding and continuously swipe right to receive some instant gratification.
Step Four: Set up multiple dates with whoever will ask you so that you can put real clothes on again, get out of the sweats you’ve been living in, feel pretty, and get back into civilization.
Also, in these moments of self-pity and sadness, I must say, it is important to have a strong support system. Whether it be family, a girl gang, one best friend, co-workers, WHOEVER. These are the most important people to have in your corner while mending a broken heart. They are their to remind you who you are. To remind you, you are an amazing person who will find someone who deserves you. They are the people who will trash talk your ex til the cows come home (which is really what you need most 😉). They will also be crucial in helping you hold on to your self-respect, when you want to break down and text the asshole that broke you. Not going to lie to you guys, whenever some guy hurts me (typically by ghosting) and I want so badly to text them just one more time, I have my best friend send me a “DO NOT TEXT HIM” message to snap me back to reality. No joke. It really works! Let someone else help to hold you accountable.
Alright, let’s continue.
Like I eluded to before, here is where things go a little haywire. My swiping finger was on O-VER-DRIVE. I went on first date, after first date, after first date (maybe about 10 if we want to get technical here). Nothing really panned out too much. I dated a construction worker, a teacher, a basketball player, an interior designer, an actor or two, and a neighbor. Just really trying to expand my horizons and be well-rounded here. Nothing wrong with that, right? With most of them there was not much connection, some fizzled out after date number two, and some ghosted me and left me on read because apparently communication is just too much to ask for.
Silverlining? I got to wear some new clothes, eat some good food, and meet some new people!
Mix your Cocktails Not your Signals
So, what really are mixed signals? I’m sure we’ve all dated that guy who has lied through his teeth. Someone who has said one thing and done another. Not to say that some guys aren’t just lying assholes. But, sometimes I think we are also guilty of hearing what we want to hear versus what is actually being said. Sometimes there is no way to see the reality, until you are removed from it.
Hear me out for a second…
Let’s relate this to trailmix (because it’s a mixed up jumble of everything and it’s the only snack I can come up with at the moment, so roll with it). In hindsight, ask yourself; were his signals truly mixed? Or, were you pushing aside the pretzels and only eating the M&Ms? (okay I may be hungry and taking this trail mix analogy a little too far.. but it makes sense, doesn’t it?!). Think about it. When you like someone, you tend to put your blinders on and only see the good. Hence the M&M reference. Everyone loves M&Ms. M&Ms make people happy. You dive in that bag and push aside everything else. I mean, why acknowledge the bad signs and signals (aka the pretzels), when the good things make you feel so much better?
Well here’s why. I hate to break it to you girlfriend, but ignoring the bad things, doesn’t make them go away. It only makes it hurt worse when the bad things come to a head after having ignored them for so long. And then, all you’re left with is a broken heart, a head full of confusion, and a bag of full of pretzels. And all you want are your M&Ms back.
(Ps I know some of you are thinking, “ but wait, I love pretzels though”..and in that case, I just cant help you here. Eat the whole dang bag and be blissfully content. To each their own, I’m just not a pretzel gal)
Moral of the story: It’s okay to enjoy the good things. It’s okay to believe the guy when he says something sweet. It’s okay to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes. But, it’s also important not to ignore what is right in front of you. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, believe that too. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him. If he says he will change and he doesn’t, believe him.
His actions will speak very loudly if you unmute your heart.
Chris…and the proposal
(GASP! You’re probably thinking, “Does this one propose?!”. Unfortunately, no. But my guy friend does propose (to his girlfriend), she says yes, and we go to their wedding, if that counts? PS this one is SUPER long, but he took up a bigger space in my life)
Here we go. This guy was something special. He stood at approximately 6 ft 1 (he will kill me if I undershot that)..So scratch that, and let’s say he was a solid 6 ft 2 just to be safe since height matters so much to men these days. He had a beautiful dark complexion and dreads longer than my hair (and I will say, my hair was pretty long). Side note, I never thought I was attracted to dreads, but I think he could’ve shown up with a platinum blonde mohawk and I still would’ve been into him. Something about his personality was magnetic. I hung on to every word he said. As I found out later, maybe to a fault. But regardless, he was beautiful and he laughed at my jokes. So, win-win if you ask me.
He initiated plans, asked me questions about myself, and sent me a “good morning” text every morning. My guards were down and there were no red flags to be seen. We continued to go on date, after date. I met his friends, he met mine. We would spend each week together at my place, ordering food, drinking wine and debating the “reality” of the tv shows I watch. I would always believe in their love of course, and he was a sceptic. But I considered it a win that he even cared to discuss it at all.
There was one bar that we always went to during the week. We would order a bottle of wine and claimed the same two seats at the bar every time. He deemed that as “our” seats. I had never had an “our” with anyone in the past. This of course sent my mind way too far into the future and I started planning our lives together. I heard wedding bells and started naming the kids. Just kidding. But I did start thinking that maybe there could at least be a glimmer of a future for us.
……..
Those that know me, know that anxiety is a huge part of my life. Unfortunately. For those of you that may be unfamiliar or untouched by anxiety (you have been BLESSED child), let me break it down for you. Anxiety affects people in all different ways for all different reasons. Some have triggers, and some do not. My anxiety takes over my whole body. Almost as if I am in some kind of physical withdrawal. Rapid heart rate, shivers, and nausea followed by exhaustion due to the adrenaline subsiding. I must say, the nausea has to be the worst part. It always hits me like a ton of bricks.
………
One night, Chris was over. We had gotten food, had a glass of wine, and sat down for our show. All of a sudden, it hit. Shivers, nausea, the whole nine yards. At this point, I debated; do I tell him I’m sick? Do I play it cool and try to mind-over-matter it? Do I dare to tell him about my mental health situation? I knew I wasn’t acting like myself, and I didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him. So, I decided to be honest and explain to him about my anxiety. He was very understanding and let me lay on his chest and just try to relax. I felt so much comfort in this moment. I didn’t know if Chris would be my forever, but I knew he was what I needed in that moment.
Side note, I typically hate cuddling because my mind goes in a million directions;
-Ah I’m so boney I’m probably stabbing him with my elbow
-Where do I put my hand?
-How’s my breathing?
-Oh no, my breathing is now in sync with his. Is that weird? Hold your breath, Danielle. No wait, that’s even weirder.
-Bathroom break.
See, you guys?! Being in my head is a full-time job. I’m exhausted already just typing it.
Anywho, in that moment with Chris, I wasn’t thinking of anything except how comfortable I felt. That was new for me, and that was a feeling a wanted to hold on to.
Cue: Wedding Season. This is apparently a thing around this time of year, and my friends did not disappoint. Two of my best friends from teenage years were getting married, and all of my best guy friends from childhood were the groomsman. This was going to be a reunion and a wedding wrapped into one incredible weekend.
When I got the invitation, Chris was my first thought. Do I bring him and introduce him to my friends? Is that too heavy since we haven’t defined our relationship? Is a 10hr drive too much to ask someone else to be a part of? I had a million questions, and realized I would have zero answers without asking. So I invited Chris, and he said Yes! (with the exclamation point! All the girls reading this knows that punctuation is very important lol). His positive response made me feel as though maybe he had legit feelings for me. Surely he wouldn’t want to meet my friends and spend 20+hrs in a car with me if he hated me, right?
As the wedding approached, I started feeling like I needed to get some clarity on the status of our relationship. We would hang out every week and I had no desire to see anyone else, so I knew it was time to approach the awkward subject. I knew I was invested in him, and was just hoping he felt the same. So, I casually asked him how he wanted to be introduced to my friends at the wedding (clever, right?!). He responded and said I could say whatever I wanted because they’re my friends. Not helpful buddy. So if course, I pried a little more and asked him if he wanted to make things more official. To which he replied that he was not in a position to be in a relationship, that he hadn’t been actively looking for something else but also hadn’t been exclusive. Oh, and he added, if I wanted something serious, I should look elsewhere because he is not ready “right now”. Once again, I cling on to that. He’s not ready “right now”, but maybe he will be ready in a few weeks, months, years? Then the questions becomes; can I wait?
That conversation did not go as I had hoped. I was heartbroken. This person I had completely started falling for and investing in, was one foot out the door the whole time. I felt like an idiot. Everything I had imagined our relationship to be was shattered in a matter of seconds.
Then the next questions occurs; now that we know we aren’t on the same page, do I still let him come to the wedding? Will he still WANT to come? Honestly, I don’t know any guy that would want to spend 20 hrs in a car with a girl and go to a romantic wedding event with someone they’re not interested in. Especially knowing that the girl will most likely take the acceptance the wrong way. Of course my girlfriends told me to uninvite him because he “doesn’t deserve the honor of your company”. (Ps everyone needs some solid girlfriends in their life to remind you how great you are every now and again.. so shout out to mine). But, in my heart of hearts, I wanted him to come. I had been looking so forward to this pending weekend and wanted it to happen as planned. A small part of me hoped that the weekend would change his mind. Another small part of me hoped this weekend would give me some closure or at least some clarity. Another part of me hoped he would have an incredible time, fall in love with me, and then I’d rip the rug out from under him this time and end things the minute we got back. Take that, asshole! But regardless of how many paths my mind was taking, he still wanted to come, and I decided to still take him.
Let me just say, this was one of the best weekends I’ve ever lived. Initially, I was worried my feelings would get in the way of me enjoying myself. But, luckily, I was so wrong. We drove the 10 hrs up north, and even took a little detour so I could get a free sample of chocolate at my favorite amusement park. I’d say the 2 hour detour for a fun-size piece of chocolate was totally worth it. I’m not sure he’d agree. But hey, this article is about me.
The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. It was such an incredible feeling to witness two old friends tying the knot. It was also so comforting to be around the guys I grew up with and cared so much about. I introduced Chris to all of them, we shared stories about drunken high school nights together, and moments I will apparently never live down (Again, I am sorry about that time I couldn’t find a spoon and mixed your margarita with a marker, okay?!) Any way, it was an amazing weekend, and regardless of Chris’ lack of feelings for me, I was so happy to share it with him.
I had an amazing time that weekend, and Chris was a huge part of that. I think the wedding weekend was the best kind of closure I could’ve received. As backwards as that may sound from the outside looking in. Allow me to explain..
By the end of the weekend, Chris had seen every part of me (not in a naked way..although not entirely false ;) ). What I mean is, I had let Chris in on all my secrets; like how I have a lead foot and listen to Whitney Houston incredibly too loud, it takes me way too long to get ready, my hair looks like I got electrocuted when I wake up in the morning, I have buffet anxiety because I’m afraid the food I want will run out before I get to it, and like how I will wait an hour in line to ride a 5 min ride and get a piece of chocolate just because it’s free. He met some of my childhood friends and learned a bit about what makes me, me. I felt like there was no bases left to cover. If Chris didn’t want to be with me after all that, then I knew it wasn’t meant to be for us. And that was the case. But I felt comfort knowing there was literally nothing else I could do to change his mind.
I knew at this point, I had to end it. I had to put myself first. I told him I couldn’t continue to see him if he couldn’t give me the commitment I needed. He peacefully agreed. Did it break my heart? Yes. Was it necessary? Also, yes. Do I regret any part of this relationship? Absolutely not. As much as I liked him, and as much as I wanted to hold on to the possibility that he could change his mind, it just wasn’t enough for me. I was holding on so hard to someone who wasn’t even offering their hand.
………………….
Green Flags:
- GOREGEOUS (I’m realizing this is a green flag for everyone apparently)
- Smart
- Funny
- Great connection
- Comfortable-not afraid to be myself in every which way
Red Flags:
- Never inviting me to his place
- Not ready for a relationship
- Noncommittal
- Mixed signals (it did not help his case that his best friend assured me that “if he is coming out to meet your friends, he is really into you”.. come on now!)
He is a really good guy, and I know when he is truly ready for a relationship, he will make someone very happy. But it’s all in the timing. You can’t force someone to be ready no matter how amazing you are. They have to make that decision on their own.
Swipe Right.
Isaac…and the ex.
New month, new man. Time to keep searching for Mr. Right, or should I say Mr. Swipe Right? I know, I know, my jokes are subpar, but you get the point. Now it’s time to introduce Isaac.
Isaac had a little bit of everything I was looking for. He was a little over 6ft, with a good job and a dog. He had a nice smile and was super cute, but not overly aware of it. Does that make sense? He was attractive but not in an arrogant way. I felt like he could be the perfect transition; a nice guy who I could also be attracted to. Do those exist?! With a little bit of conversation back and forth and we had a date!
For the first date, we went to a chic restaurant with incredible food. Of course I barely ate, but drank enough for the both of us. Conversation was incredible and everything felt so comfortable. Was the comfort due to the vodka sodas? I’m not 100% sure of that, but regardless, there was comfort, and that’s hard to come by. While in conversation, I discovered he actually worked for a local company and was friends with a friend of mine. Small world…maybe a tad too small.
As the date came to an end, it was time to make the decision. Shall I walk home, or let him drive me home? If I am not into the guy, I choose to walk. If I’d like a little extra time with him, I opt for the ride. In this case, I chose the ride. As we approach my apt complex, I cycle through many thoughts. Do we pull in? Do I let him come in? Do I go in for a hug? Do I kiss him? Lord can someone shut my brain up, I can’t even hear what he’s saying at this point! We pull into the garage and I direct him up to my floor. I let him park, but don’t invite him in. Is that terrible? Oh well. We share a little romance in the front seat of his car, and then we part ways. Date number two was established. This could be promising!
After a week of texting and continuing to get to know each other, it was time for date number two. Bowling. I should explain that I am absolutely terrible at bowling, and yet, it is the one sport I love to play. I get gutter balls 90% of the time, and I can count on two fingers the number of times I’ve broken a hundred. So, let’s just say, I do not suggest bowling to show off my skills. I can however tell you, I’ve never gone bowling and not laughed (mostly at myself) the entire night.
Of course, I had to get a glass of wine to loosen up the throwing arm a little bit. He was actually really good at the game. Good thing I have zero competitive bone in my body, because I was not winning this one. Regardless, we had so much fun. At one point, Isaac split his pants but he handled it like a champ. I instantly felt so much “like” for this guy. I started thinking that maybe this could really work. Maybe there could really be a future here. We left that date with plans for the next. I was feeling so good and started really letting my guard down. I didn’t have to fight for his attention, and he was just as excited to hang out as I was. This was something special.
A few nights later, I went to a party at my friend’s house. I had some drinks, and played games, and was having a blast. I texted Isaac to invite him to the party. I thought, how fun would it be to introduce him to my friends?! Then, it happened. Bomb dropped. Isaac told me he wanted to be “honest” and told me his ex was back in the picture and that they were going to try to make it work. COME ON. Are there any decent men in this town that are truly ready for relationships? Scratch that. That point is mute. He was ready for a relationship, just not a relationship with me. Even though Isaac and I didn’t last long, I was really disappointed. I felt like there was true potential there. I thought he was a genuinely nice guy that seemed interested in me. We had an honest connection that I wanted to pursue, but apparently he had other ideas in mind.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Handsome
- Funny
- Good sport (pants ripped and he did not run home out of embarrassment. Definite points for that because I can not say I would’ve handled that the same way)
- Honesty (even when it’s not what you want to hear)
RED FLAGS:
- Truly, this guy didn’t have any. Besides having a girl on the side, he was honest and didn’t lead me on for too long knowing that. So, props to him. He’s a good one, and I really do wish him the best.
……………
They say the best way to get over someone is to get back out there. So, cue the dramatic music for the entrance of the next potential suitor. Drum roll please.
Swipe Right.
Jake…and the tears. Yes, you read that right.
Friday night was here! I’d been chatting with this guy (via text of course, because no one in this generation seems to remember we can actually communicate with real voices) and things seemed to be going well. Other than the fact that he used a ton of exclamation points and abbreviations. I mean come on, there is literally no way he was always THAT excited. Am I right, or am I right? But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, and worry about his grammar and punctuation later.
I suggested we meet at 7:30, knowing I would arrive at 7 to get a head start on the wine consumption. Plus, I hate showing up at the bar last and having to find the guy. I have a fear I will not recognize them in person and accidentally walk right by (irrational? Probably).
I got to the bar at 7 and ordered a glass of cabernet. I perused the menu to give myself something to do while I casually sipped on my wine. The waitress came over at least 3 times asking if I would like to order food while I waited. I casually declined and assured her, the guy is on his way and that “I am fine”. 7:30 hits, and he arrived. Hallelujah, this waitress could finally stop worrying that I was being stood up.
Now let me paint you a picture of Jake. As most dating apps tend to do, I believe he may have stretched the truth a bit when it came to his height. He was much smaller than I imagined. He measured in around 5’7” from what I could eye-ball from my chair. Which, being that I am 5’2, it’s realistically big deal. But a lie’s a lie, Jake. Anyway, he was cute! Light-skinned man with piercing hazel eyes and great smile. I’m a sucker for a good smile. I could get down with this (so I thought).
When he saw that I had already ordered a drink (whoops), he quickly tried to catch up by ordering a Long Island Iced Tea. Mistake number 1. As we chatted and drank, I noticed he started to casually repeat himself. So, I answer as if I hadn’t already answered that question, and change the topic. I could tell this fella was getting tipsy, but I was still willing to see where the night went.
Then, he mentions his Ex. Mistake number 2. Now, I would not deem myself as an expert on dating, but I would go out on a limb here and say it’s NEVER a good idea to talk about an Ex girlfriend on a first date. And I would go even farther out on that limb and say it’s also not a good idea to talk about how you thought you were going to marry her and that you, and I quote; “tried to get her pregnant” so she would stay with you, and then proceed to cry about how much you miss her. You heard me correctly, he cried. Like real tears.
Now don’t get me wrong here, I think a guy who is not afraid to show emotions is super endearing. BUT, if you are crying over a woman while you’re on a date with someone else, that shows me you are CLEARLY still dealing with it and not ready for a new relationship. Excuse me while I hand you a tissue and exit stage left.
Needless to say, that was the end of Jake. Back to the drawing board.
GREEN FLAGS:
- Handsome
- Has a career
- Wants a relationship and a family (but apparently he still wants that with his ex..so maybe that should fall under a Red Flag)
RED FLAGS:
- Bringing up the ex girlfriend on the first date
- Tried to get said girlfriend impregnated (super sketch)
- TEARS
- Enough said.
Swipe Right.
Breakdown: Lessons Learned in Modern Dating
(if you feel like you’re having a deja vu, you’re right. you are. This article was previously published via BootayBag, so you may have seen it there! Enjoy, again.)
First of all, I’d like to preface this article by letting you know a little bit about me. I am 29 years old, single, with a career and a dog. I would’ve liked to say by the time I was reaching my 30’s, I would’ve been married, with two kids, and a white-picket fence. But, that’s not the way things worked out. Instead, I am nearing 30, my dog is my child, and I don’t even have a yard to put a fence around. To paint even more of a picture for you; I am not a perfect person whose got it all figured out. To be honest, I’m typing this in sweatpants, I can’t remember the last time I brushed my hair, and I have a pimple patch on my chimple (aka a giant pimple on my chin) because the stress of a pandemic is a lot. The stress of trying to date in a pandemic, is a lot a lot.
Anywho, over the past few years, I have tried dating in every which way. In the times we’re living in, it has become super hard to meet anyone organically. And in a pandemic, in which everyone is required to stay 6-feet apart, chances are no one will approach you at a bar (if the bar is even open). So, online dating it is! I have proudly been a member of every dating app. I’ve swiped left, I’ve swiped right, and I’ve shaken my phone to reverse my decisions in times of desperation. I’ve gone on blind dates. I’ve even auditioned for multiple (yes, you heard me correctly) dating shows, in order to find love. Through these experiences I’ve learned a thing or two, and I’d like to share my insight with you, in the hopes that at least one person reading this can relate!
I’m just going to come out and state the obvious; modern dating is HARD. I have been on so many dating sites and apps, my eyes are blurry and my thumb hurts. But I have put in the work for the greater good, and have brainstormed a list of my top 3 favorites:
HINGE- I love this app. Along with the others, you swipe right or left (pending whether you are interested in the guy/gal or not. Hinge allows you to develop a pretty detailed profile regarding education, religion, career, hometown, current location etc. But it also allows you to give more insight regarding your personality. For example, you can write two truths and a lie. I find this so intriguing! So, 9 times out of 10, I will message a guy solely because I just NEED to know. For me, it provides great conversation starters, which is helpful when trying to meet and fall in love with a complete stranger.
BUMBLE- This one is a little different than most apps. You still swipe right or left to your liking, but the cool thing about this one is once a connection is made (you have both mutually swiped into the “like” zone), the GIRL has complete control as to whether the conversation continues. The girl has 24hrs to message the guy back before the connection is lost (ie: the match disappears into the abyss and the guy gets bitter). I think this is fun! The pressure may be too much for some people, but I think it also applies some motivation for women who may usually be too timid to start the conversation. If they are interested enough, they will have to speak up! Adds a little fire under your butt at least.
MATCH- this site is highly advertised, and I do like it! I can’t say that it’s my absolute favorite, but I do feel like you may get more serious contenders here. It is an app that you have to pay for, and when money is involved, people get a little more serious. But I did find that the pool of men was definitely on a smaller scale than the others. But worth a try for sure!
Things to keep in mind before the date..
1. EAT! When you go on a first date, don’t forget to eat! If you’re anything like me, you will most likely order a drink (or 3) at dinner to calm the nerves. That is in addition to the pre-date glass of wine you had at home while getting ready. The last thing you want to do is get too drunk to even remember what the guy looked like. So, eating is crucial. For some reason, I tend to choose sushi as a first date meal because in my mind it seems less messy than a burger or spaghetti. But, I always regret it when I can barely use chopsticks and I try to fit a whole roll in my mouth at once. Not the cutest. But hey, do you girl. I don’t care what you eat, just make sure you do.
2. WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT. Of course, you want to impress the guy (or gal) but most importantly, you want to be comfortable. If you feel good about how you look, you will increase your confidence, and your date won’t even notice your outfit because you will be glowing regardless. So, wear the dress, wear those heels, wear that lipstick you’ve been dying to try, and get on with your bad self. But trust me, your confidence will be more attractive than your outfit label, I promise.
3. BE PRESENT. I don’t know about you, but I know I tend to overthink, literally EVERYTHING. I think about whether my hair has poofed from humidity, whether I have something in my teeth, am I talking too much, am I talking too little, am I asking enough questions, am I drinking too much, am I rambling (probably could answer that one for ya)…I could go on and on (#rambling). Sometimes, my thoughts are so loud, that I can’t even hear my date. I am so focused on what might happen next that I forget to live in the moment. I used to spend the entire first date being so nervous and consumed with my thoughts, that by the end of the date, my primary feeling was that of relief rather than excitement, and I still couldn’t even tell you the last name of the guy I was out with (but we really only need to know that for the instagram stalk, right?). Nonetheless, it is so important to be present on a date. Try not to worry so much about what might happen, and focus on what is happening. Listen to what your date is saying. Observe his actions (is he laughing at your jokes, is he checking his phone). All of these things are important. But it is so crucial to pay attention and really take it all in to gauge how you really feel about the person. PS - please put your phones away.
4. BE HONEST. I cannot stress this enough. It is so important to be honest with your date, and yourself, about what you’re truly looking for. If you are looking to get married and have two kids tomorrow, tell your date that. Yes, that may be scary for most people to hear. But if it’s what you want, you have to be honest. If it scares the guy, then they aren’t right for you. Laying your intentions out on the table is important. If you are not looking for the same things, it will not work. I promise you that. I have been in many situations in which the guy wasn’t ready for something serious, and I thought maybe I could be the game-changer. But unfortunately, life is (*typically) not a Hallmark movie. This has been one of the toughest pills for me to swallow, but if a guy tells you he is not ready for a relationship right now, BELIEVE HIM. You are too amazing to waste your time hoping for someone to change.
Things to keep in mind after the date…
1. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A “BAD TEXTER”. Let me say it again for the people in the back. There is no such thing as a “bad texter”. It takes less than two seconds to respond to a text. If a guy wants to call (or text) you, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t. It’s really as simple as it sounds. Don’t believe me? The next time you are out for dinner (whenever the world opens up again), I want you to take a look around. I guarantee that 95% of people in that restaurant will either be looking at their phone in hand, have their phone in their back pocket, or have their phone sitting directly next to them on the table. You honestly believe that the guy you are dating “didn’t see your text” for days? Trust me, I have come up with many scenarios and justifications as to why he hasn’t texted me back too, but let’s get serious.
Hey sis, are you sitting down? I’m about to drop some hard truth.
-His phone was not dead for days (everyone has a charger and no one will go that long without finding one)
-His phone was not broken are dropped in a toilet (most likely)
-He did not lose your number
-If he says he didn’t see your texts, and yet is posting on Instagram or Snapchat.. move the F%$# on. You deserve better.
2. A DEALBREAKER IS CALLED A “DEALBREAKER” FOR A REASON. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of dating and the hope of what might be developing, that we lose sight of what we want or need. Even though the guy may look like Michael B Jordan (insert heart-eye emoji here), you need to make sure you are keeping sight of your standards. Now of course, I am not referring to physical attributes. I am a firm believer, that it is so important to date outside of your comfort zone when it comes to physical type. You may typically date men that are 6’2” and your soulmate may be 5’7”. However, it is important to always keep sight of your fundamental beliefs. If the guy tells you he never wants to have kids, and you do, then it most likely won’t work out. You can’t expect your partner to change their beliefs if you won’t either. These things have to go both ways. If it’s something your partner can be flexible with, then you must be open to being flexible too. If you or your partner won’t budge, then it’s a dealbreaker.
3. YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH TO ANYONE. Unfortunately, I have found myself in this situation more times than I’d like to admit. I will be so into a guy that I feel like I need to make him understand how great I am. I will put in so much effort to show him that I am thoughtful enough, cool enough, funny enough, to be with him. Then I take a step back and realize, what the heck am I doing!? Why am I fighting for his attention? Why am I working so hard to show this guy that I am worth his time? We’re all guilty of this. Yet, we should never have to PROVE ourselves to anyone. If the person you are dating does not know how great you are, using their own observations, then they are not even worth one more second of your time. What you really should be thinking about is if HE is good enough for YOU. If he ever makes you question yourself, then the answer is hard NO.
4. DON’T FORGET TO MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of a new relationship. It’s easy to get consumed in the hope and the endless possibilities you create in your mind. But what happens if it doesn’t work out? If you’re like me, you probably spend so many minutes of your day thinking about what might become of this new guy; maybe you can go to that new restaurant opening downtown, maybe you can binge watch your favorite show together, maybe you can cook dinner for him (haha who am I kidding, I don’t cook). Regardless, I spend so much time thinking about the future, that if/when things don’t work out, I feel lost. I feel like I completely lose sight of what made me happy before I met this guy. That being said, it is so important to stay grounded and find things to focus on other than the guy. So, watch that show, go to that restaurant if you want. You may want the guy, but you don’t need the guy. If you like to read, keep reading! If you like to paint, keep painting! If you like to dance around your apt in your underwear, keep dancing! Make sure you continue to find happiness within yourself while looking for someone to share it with. That may sound cliché, but it’s unbelievably true.
If you’ve stuck around long enough to get to the end of my rant, I want to say thank you for listening. Dating should be fun! If it becomes a chore, take a break. Trust the process. Trust the timing of your life. Everything will fall into place as it’s meant to. So, keep on swiping, give that guy a chance, put on those heels that have been collecting dust in your closet, or spend the night in with a facemask and a glass of wine. Whatever it is you chose, do what makes you happy 😊