James…and the serenade

Here we go again. After Ashton, I felt like I needed a little break from the dating scene. I wanted to stop worrying about other people, and focus on myself. No strings, no staring at my phone hoping that someone would text me back, no checking social media to see who was active. I just wanted to turn off the noise and focus on myself. Every once and a while, I find it so refreshing to just take the pressure off of myself to find a partner, and just enjoy the moments in the present.

Ashton had made me feel so hurt, confused, and broken. I couldn’t understand how I was so hurt, and yet he could so easily move on. I was mentally still holding on, and the reality was, he was so far gone. At that point I found myself mentally “stuck”. It’s times like that where I have to find a way to pull myself out.

It may sound cheesy, but it is SO incredibly important to focus on what you do have versus what you don’t. What I mean by that is this; instead of driving yourself crazy thinking about the one guy that doesn’t give a shit about you, focus on all the people that do. Your family, your friends, your co-workers, your dog, whoever! All of these beings love you, care about you, and would do anything for you. These are the people who appreciate you. These are the people that deserve occupancy in your heart and mind. The asshole who broke your heart, can go occupy someone else’s thoughts. Boy, bye.

Anyway, let’s get back on track. When I was finally in the mindset to focus on the present, my friend invited me to a karaoke night. What kind of friend would I be to say no?! So off to karaoke we went. I felt so carefree. I hadn’t felt so happy in so long. Ashton had made me doubt myself so much, that I forgot what it felt like to just be confident and happy all by myself.

And then, I heard it. The voice of an angel. Okay, okay, I exaggerate a little. But in the midst of Sweet Caroline and the Spice Girls, he was a real talent. I looked towards the stage and found a rugged country boy with a backwards baseball hat, denim jacket, and beautiful blue eyes. It was one of those moments like when you were at a concert as a teen and you would bet your life that Jesse McCartney was singing directly to you. We will call this guy, James. I swear, he was singing to me. James was so handsome, and the sweet southern voice just added so many points to his rating scale.  For some reason, I just knew I needed to meet him.

Later in the evening, following a bathroom break (because, vodka sodas will do that to ya), I spotted him in the crowd. Those that know me, know that I am not bold when it comes to the guy department. I will not typically make the first move in that sense. But, for whatever reason (probably the vodka sodas..), I had a wave of confidence come over me. As I made my way back to my friends, I made sure my path casually crossed his. Honestly, I can’t even remember what I said to him. I’m sure I complimented his performance or something. Next thing I know, he’s following me towards my friends. Wait, what?! Am I really getting to chat with the hot country singer?!

We spent the entire night talking and dancing. It was so nice to not have any pressure to be anything we weren’t. We didn’t have to do anything but have fun and enjoy each other’s company, and that’s exactly what we did.  We literally danced until the bar closed. I let him drive me home, and we shared a goodnight kiss. I honestly didn’t think I’d hear from him after that night, but I was okay with whatever happened. I hadn’t had that much fun in so long, and he was exactly what I needed at the time. He reminded me that I am still fun and desirable, even if I don’s always feel like it. It was the perfect night.

To my surprise, I did hear from him again. This time, he asked me out to dinner. We went to a local restaurant after work. I must say, I almost didn’t recognize him in business attire. He was still handsome, of course, but definitely not the rugged country boy anymore. We enjoyed a good meal and some conversation. Pretty soon, it was time to call it a night.

He drove me back to my apartment, and as I was about to get out of the car, his nervousness grew. He told me there was something he had to tell me, and he wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. Instantly I panicked. I had no idea what he was about to say, but his nerves were contagious. SPIT IT OUT!

He then went on to tell me that he was recently divorced and had primary custody of his one-year-old son. Well that sure was a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Did it bother me? No. Like I may have mentioned earlier, I’ve noticed that dating at my age usually means I’m going to run into the divorcees and the father-figures, and I’m okay with that.

We ended up hanging out a few more times. I did enjoy the time we spent together, but a part of me always felt like something was missing. I feel like I loved the idea of him, a little more than the reality. I loved the timing of it all, I loved the way we met, I loved that he was so different than anyone I had dated before, I loved the unplanned and unexpected nature of it all. But something was missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We spent a little more time together, and then eventually, things just kind of fizzled. There wasn’t a grand event that made either one of us despise the other. There wasn’t a moment where we realized we weren’t right for each other. It was just kind of a gradual mutual distancing. The good thing about that, was there was no bad blood. I feel like we have the type of friendly relationship that would allow for us to run into each other someday and not have any bad feelings. We could casually say hello and catch up, and go on with our lives.

I really do hope to see him sing again one day. If he becomes a famous singer in Nashville, I may reveal his identity 😉  Or I’ll just keep it forever as my secret. Who knows. We will cross that bridge once quarantine is over and people can actually sing in public gatherings again. One can dream.

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