Ben…and The Bachelor

Alright, I’m not going to lie to you. I have been dreading writing about this one. I have been procrastinating in every which way so that I did not have to relive this relationship. Unfortunately, the toughest relationships are usually the ones you learn from most, and I promised to be open and vulnerable with you all, so here we go. Fair warning, this relationship is complex and doesn’t necessarily flow with the timeline completely, but you’ll understand why soon enough. Hope you have your wine poured, because this one is long and confusing even to me, and I lived it!

The occurrence of Ben and I meeting is truly one of my favorite stories to tell. We actually have The Bachelor franchise to thank for this one (shout out to Chris Harrison if you’re reading…which surely you’re not). Anyway, let me get back on track.

Back in June of 2017, I was a single gal living in Charleston. As you may or may not know about me, I love to audition for anything and everything. I love the thrill of putting myself out there in the hopes of some kind of recognition or reward. Regardless of whether I have talent or even truly think I’ll make the cut, auditions are a thrill. What you also may or may not know about me, is I LOVE love. I love the excitement of finding the “one”, even if that’s means finding love on a reality TV show where your boyfriend is knowingly cheating on you with 25 other women and gives you a rose to validate your feelings. Love is love, ya’ll. Anywho, in June of 2017, I had looked into auditioning for The Bachelor. An open casting call was posted for a Thursday in Charlotte, NC. At that time, Charlotte was only a few hours from me, so I figured that would be the most doable option if I wanted to audition that season.

 I took the day off work, planned my outfit, styled my hair, and headed out begin my 3.5 hour drive to my casting call. I had planned to arrive early, because I wanted to give myself time to figure out parking, get some lunch, and also have a drink to calm the nerves. So, once I parked, I made my way to a bar near the audition site. I grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered my vodka soda. Whew, feeling better already! As a little time passed, two women ended up sitting at the bar next to me (let’s call them, Maddie and Sophia, because I can’t remember their real names and I like those ones). We quickly discovered that all three of us were here to audition, and we became fast friends. Come on, you know how girls are at the bar?! Next thing you know, we were learning about childhood traumas, styling each other’s hair, and inviting each other to brunch. Honestly, I was enjoying myself so much, I almost forgot what I was there for.

When we realized our audition time was quickly approaching, we made our way to the audition site. One by one, we took our turns answering questions, taking headshots, and hoping to make good impressions. When our auditions were finished, the staff provided us each with a free drink ticket to use at the bar across the street. Knowing I had planned to drive home in a few hours, I planned to go over to chat with the girls, but only drink water. Safety first.

Sophia had planned to meet up with some friends, so it was just Maddie and I. While at the bar, I drank water and chatted with Maddie. I spotted this very handsome guy across the bar, and mistakenly mentioned it to the her. Next thing I know, Maddie was across the bar whispering to him and motioning for me to join them. I was mortified, but had literally nowhere to hide. I made my way across the bar and introduced myself to the handsome guy and his friend. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the handsome guy was Ben.

Before long, I was enjoying a conversation and a drink with Ben and his friend. I’m still not really sure at what point Maddie left the picture, but I obviously didn’t care. I was having too much fun to notice. Talking to Ben and his friend, was like talking to guys I had known forever. There was no fear, no apprehension, no concern for my safety. They reminded me of the guys I grew up with, and I felt a sense of comfort in that.

I ended up bar hopping a bit with the guys. We talked, we drank, we danced, we realized it was Thursday and we still had work in the morning. Just kidding. Earlier in the night, the guys had convinced me to call out of work and enjoy the evening (sorry boss, I was yolo-ing.). We had so much fun that night. Well, I guess I can’t speak for them, so I will say, I had so much fun that night. At one point in the night, the guys even invited me to come on their Bro Weekend (aka a college reunion) at the beach in Savannah in a few months. My title had gone from “potential bachelorette” to “bro” real quick.

Anyway, after we left the bars, I ended up staying at Ben’s apartment. We slept in separate spaces and he was 100% respectful. The next morning, he woke up early for a flight and told me to lock the door when I left.

Hold up. This guy doesn’t even know me from Adam and he’s leaving me unattended in his apartment?! If I was a terrible person, I could’ve robbed him blind! I didn’t, of course. I didn’t even snoop, I promise. But if this tells you anything, it should tell you that the same level of comfort and safety I felt with him, he must’ve felt with me.

***Ps. if anyone is concerned about my job, I do not work there anymore.

***pps. The Bachelor producers never called me back.

How many more “p’s” are you supposed to write? People probably aren’t supposed to have this many afterthoughts…

***Ppps. in hindsight, I realize I was drinking with a couple of men who were complete strangers, followed them around town, and slept at their apartment which is totally unsafe, and I don’t recommend anyone do this. Why do you think the phrase; “do as I say, and not as I do” was invented anyway?

I assumed Ben was just a fragment of my imagination that I concocted in this crazy beautiful story depicting my time in the Queen City. Someone who I would think about every once in a while, but never actually speak too again.

Ding. (That’s my text alert in case you couldn’t hear it)

A few weeks after my whirlwind adventure, Ben reached out. Ben was contacting me to find out if I was “still in” for the Bro Weekend beach trip. I couldn’t believe he had been serious! I thought for sure that was a drunken invite. Any sane person would say, no thank you. But you should know by now that I am not. So of course, I said “yep, still in”. I found out after the fact, that Ben was just as surprised that I said yes, as I was that he asked.

A few weeks later, the beach trip rolled around. This time, I was a little bit smarter and I invited a girlfriend to come with me. I knew we were heading into a house full of men, and I figured a female reinforcement was necessary.

The trip was honestly the greatest trip ever. I had more fun than I could have imagined. Although I never got a callback to be on The Bachelor, I sure felt like I was The Bachelorette. These men were a ball of energy. It was as if they had never seen a woman before. They were so intrigued by my friend and I. They spent the entire weekend trying to win us over. But, to their dismay, I did not feed in to any of them. To my dismay, Ben didn’t even try.

After that weekend, I figured Ben was uninterested and completely friend-zoned me. We continued to talk frequently, but eventually we had the conversation in which Ben explained that he didn’t want any type of long-distance relationship. At that point, my walls went up and Ben was placed in the box in my brain titled; “Friends Only- Don’t You Dare Even Think About Bringing Them Out of This Box. They Don’t Like You Like That. Don’t You Do It. Seriously, Stop.”. Are you surprised my brain boxes are labelled with such lengthy titles? Yeah, me either.

Weirdly enough, when Ben explained he didn’t want any type of romantic relationship with me, I wasn’t heartbroken. Something deep down inside of me was telling me this wasn’t the end for us. I remember looking in the mirror and literally telling myself that we would probably end up being that pair in a romantic comedy that would be best friends, share our relationship dramas, and then one day realize we were meant-to-be all along.

Ben and I texted, talked on the phone, and communicated constantly. We talked as friends for about a year before anything flirty even transpired. As time went on, our conversations got a little more romantic and a little less friendly. Around this same time, I had decided I needed a change in my life, and considered moving to Charlotte. I scheduled a bunch of appointments to tour various apartments around the city. While in town, I made sure to see Ben.

That night, a line between friends became quite blurry. But as I said earlier, Ben was placed in that box in my mind, the name in which I shall not repeat, and he was not coming out. That box was padlocked. When we went our separate ways, I was of course excited about what happened, but I didn’t think too much about it because I knew where he stood.

Fast Forward.

I ended up moving to Charlotte in early 2019. So, over the course of 2-2.5 years, Ben and I were what I would consider best friends. We went about our lives, dating other people, telling each other about it, and giving each other advice. Ben always had the best advice. He always knew exactly what to say to get me out of my own way and see things a little more clearly. He was my go-to person for deciphering punctuations in my current fling’s messages, because ya’ll know that period means something.

Over the years that we knew each other, we travelled through this strange and confusing cycle of being friends, friends-with-benefits, more than friends maybe, no definitely just friends, maybe. Follow? Trust me, I couldn’t either.

It wasn’t until early 2020 (pre-covid), that Ben decided he wanted to make things official and really try our hand in dating for real. I’m not going to lie to you, this quick change of pace was hard for me to wrap my head around. Although for Ben, this was something he had been considering for a while, to me it was totally out of left field. It took me some time to adjust to the idea. After all, I also had to find the key to that darn box.

To solidify our relationship, and take things to the next level, Ben booked us a trip to New Orleans. Ben was quite standoffish on this trip. He didn’t stand near me at the airport and then hardly spoke to me while we were there. To say I was confused, would be an understatement. Here I was trying to let my guard down and see if this could work, and here he was giving me the cold shoulder for no reason.

When we got back from the trip, Ben explained that he changed his mind and did not want to explore this any further.

I’m sorry, what? How could you so quickly go from being all-in to all-out in one minute? Someone forgot to tell me we were doing the Hokey Pokey. I could not wrap my head around any of this. I spent all this time adjusting to this new idea of “us”, only to be blindsided by the person wanted there to be an “us” in the first place.  I felt so vulnerable and exposed at this point. So, back in the box he went.

Months went by. Slowly but surely his messages became more “friendly” and he wanted to try again. I knew at this point, it was going to be hard for him to gain the trust back, but I was willing to let him try. Mind you, this was not a quick transition. I did not engage with his romantic messages for a long while before I let him back in. Give me some credit here.

After a while, we decided to do this thing for real this time. We both discussed how we didn’t have any desire to see other people. We were going to be serious this time. We were going to finally be on the same page.

Soon after this seeming mutual epiphany, we flew to Indiana with the plan to spend time with each other, and then separate to spend time with our families. This trip was amazing. Everything felt natural. Everything felt right. We bar hopped, danced, ate. I even convinced him to sneak into the pool after hours for a late-night swim. I never realized how much of a rule follower he was until that point. The pool was cold anyway, so we didn’t stay long. But still, a fun story to tell. We talked about a future. We talked about things we wanted to experience together.

The next morning, we went our separate ways. I could tell he was getting distant, but I also wasn’t paying it too much mind because at that point, I was with my family, and I was enjoying their company so much. It was not until I arrived back in Charlotte that he told me the news.

He had accepted a job position in Arizona.

My stomach dropped, and my heart made its way to my throat.

Obviously, it had to be over between us, right? We went back and forth between how we could make it work, but also how it could be too challenging. I was ready to accept the challenge, and he just couldn’t figure out what he wanted. For days and days we went back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth again. I was emotionally drained. As much as I didn’t want to leave him, I had to leave town to visit my family for a previously planned trip. The night before the trip, Ben came over to say goodbye as this would be the last time we would see each other before his move. At this point, I had no emotions left. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I didn’t know what I was holding on to either. I could tell I was being quiet that night. But a part of me was trying so hard just to soak in every detail of him, every feeling, every minute we had left. When he left that night, I felt terrible. But I knew, there was nothing left for me to do. This was his decision to make, and he made it.

Later that night, Ben messaged me to tell me he needed see me in the morning. He came over at 5am to visit with me while I packed for my trip. While over, he gave me a letter. I was too emotional at the time to read it, so I saved it until after he left.

In the letter, Ben explained how he’s felt about me since the day we met. How he always managed to get in his own way, and how he was falling in love with me.

I was shocked.

I didn’t know how to process what I read. At the same time, it had a way of validating my feelings for him. I always knew I loved him, I just never felt secure enough to say it.

Ben ended up staying one extra day so that he could see me when I got back from my trip. We said our goodbyes for the third time. I’m not kidding you when I say I was emotionally drained. I didn’t know which way was up at this point. I realized if I wanted to explain every aspect of how I felt, I was going to have to do what I do best, and write. I knew it would be easier to explain my feelings in a letter than it would be with my spoken words. So, I got out my stationary and wrote my heart out. I explained everything. I told him how I felt like my heart was ripped out when he told me he was moving, how I had never felt this way about anyone, and how I loved him. I warned him that I was in my feelings when I wrote the letter so that he wouldn’t be too caught off guard. I knew whichever way he took the letter, it had to be done. Writing the letter was my form of therapy.

Ben drug his feet when it came to sending me his address. I was at a point where I was about to burn the letter and move on. When he finally told me his address, I sealed the letter and sent it on its way. Soon after, following a quick google search, I realized the address he provided was his work address. When questioned, he explained he was living in a temporary place and didn’t have a “real” address to provide. If you’re thinking he’s hiding me from someone or something, I felt the same way. He assured me he was not married…as most married people having affairs would do. LOL jk. Who am I to say? Maybe he was telling the truth.

A week later, I reached out to see if he had received the letter.

No response.

To this day, I have never gotten a response.

I do not know how he felt about the letter. I do not know if he even received the letter. I do not know if he is happy. I do not know if he’s dating someone else. I do not know if he has a new family in the works.  I do not know if he’s even alive.

After over three years of friendship, this is how it ends?

I am angry. I am hurt. I am in disbelief. I feel used. I feel embarrassed. I feel like an idiot.

I feel like I have no closure.

A part of me hopes he’s totally miserable. Then I feel badly for thinking that. So maybe I just hope I’m happier than him. Also, maybe I need therapy.  

GREEN FLAGS:

-          Serendipity. I LOVED the serendipity and the fated-ness of this relationship so much. I probably held onto that a little harder than I should have.

-          Handsome (obviously he stuck out across the bar)

-          Best friends. I loved that we started as friends first. We build a solid foundation

-          Honest & transparent

-          Let me be weird and love my reality tv shows

RED FLAGS:

-          Indecisive AF

-          Quick to judge and change his mind

-          Made me feel insecure

-          Obviously, he dropped a major feelings bomb and then ghosted after I shared mine, so he is extremely selfish and disrespectful.

They say, sometimes you’re lucky enough to get the type of closure you need. Sometimes you’re forced to create your own. Sometimes, you need to take the silence as your answer. Even though your mind may be spinning in a thousand different directions as to why he’s acting as if you don’t exist, he’s the only one that has that answer.

Learn to find peace in the silence.

Swipe Right.