Tristan…and a clean slate.

Before I can really dive into this new venture, I must first clean the slate. This first post is dedicated to Tristan. This guy is probably not even worth a blob in this story, but he’s a part of mine, so I guess I will include him ( I really wish I could add emojis into this blog, because at this point I would include the one that’s rolling it’s eyes). Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has had a Tristan in their life at one point or another. We met a few years prior when he was in town visiting family. He had a way about him that I couldn’t resist. I had never felt this kind of connection with anyone before. He made me laugh and feel so comfortable.  He was that irresistible guy that had a confidence about him that put you in a trance. The kind of guy that made you feel like the only girl in the room when you were with him.

We spent months talking and traveling back and forth to see each other. I spent New years with him that year, and even let him see my natural hair (oh, the horror). Ps. If I let you see my natural hair, I am REALLY into you. I met his friends, went to the bars where he spent his nights out, and introduced him to my dog. I felt as though things were moving forward in a relationship-direction. However, I was mistaken.

As great as he made me feel when we were together, he was also the guy that made me feel like I didn’t exist when we were apart. He was the type of guy that never made plans and never committed in case something better came along. The guy that would see you when it’s convenient, or when they happened to be in the neighborhood, but would never make the effort otherwise. Yet he’s the guy you want so badly to choose you. Whether it be to feel like you accomplished the impossible, or because the feeling you have when you’re together completely blinds you, and overpowers the crushed feeling you have when you’re apart. Who knows.

For me, he was the guy I wanted to want me. He had been in my life for years. For years I let him treat me like an option. For years, I thought maybe one day he would come around and realize how important I am to him. Then one day, I got fed up. I laid my feelings on the line and they were not well-received. He told me that he thought we were “just friends” and had no clue I had feelings for him. Needless to say, I was crushed. I realized I had to do something I never thought I would do. I had to let him go. Voluntarily letting go of something I tried so hard to hold on to, was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But I knew, being in this mixed up relationship where I was all in, and he had one foot in an one foot out, was only going to hurt me. It was completely self-destructive. So, I ended things completely and tried to move on. Although I was proud of myself for realizing my worth, I still mourned the loss of a person I thought would be in my life forever.

Now let me break it down for you. “Red flags” are the obvious reasons he was wrong for me, and “Green Flags” are the reasons I chose to ignore the red flags. Whoops.

GREEN FLAGS:

            -Great connection

            -A sense of comfort

            -An introduction to his friends (maybe he saw me becoming a part of his world?)

            -Made me feel like the only girl in the room when we were together

            -HOTTTT

RED FLAGS:

            -Never made plans

            -I was always an afterthought

            -I became an “I’ll see ya, when I see ya” girl

            -unresponsive for days

            - Made me feel worthless when apart. (Was the feeling of being the only girl in the room when we were together, worth the feeling of worthlessness when we were apart? No. The answer was HELL NO.)

            - He thought we were “just friends” (Sorry, I do not hook up with my friends, but okay)

……

After a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s, a couple rom-coms, and quite a few bottles of wine, I came to a realization. I realized at that point that I deserved so much better. I deserved someone who wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with them. Someone who’d never make me question my worth. Someone who wanted to share their life with me and accept me; the good, bad and ugly. Someone who wouldn’t run when they saw my hair after I’ve let it air dry overnight (you’d be surprised how big it gets..it can be shocking to some lol). Someone who would be okay eating eggs and bacon every night for dinner because that’s the only thing I know how to cook. Someone who tells me I’m pretty even when I’ve spent an hour crying over my lack of flattering clothes, and after almost going into a shave-my-head moment (cue Brittney Spears circa 2007).

It was time to find what I deserve. I finally knew what I was worth, and I was not willing to settle for anything less.

(Spoiler alert: I settle for less a few more times…)

Swipe Right.